Aquarium Humor (barely)
For some aquarists, “aquarium humor” is an oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp” or “military intelligence”. They take their hobby or vocation so seriously that they would never dream of equating their aquariums with humor in any form. However, comedy is a particularly unique human development, and we all might benefit from looking at ourselves in this light, so it may be fitting to post a few aquarium-related jokes and anecdotes here. Some of these I made up on my own, while others were “borrowed” from other people. Just so that you can tell the difference – the jokes you laugh at are mine, the ones you don’t find funny were the borrowed ones!
Q. What does a fish say when it runs into a brick wall?
A. Dam!
Frick: So, did you hear about the sea apple that had a
hot date with the powerhead?
Frack: No, what happened?
Frick: The strain must have been too much for it, and it died!
President Carter was always interested in zoological parks. During his presidency, he was invited to go behind the scenes of a major zoo on a special V.I.P. tour. During the tour, he got a chance to see a manatee that was being held off-exhibit in a temporary tank for rehabilitation. Enamored with the creature, he confided with the curator that he had always wanted to name a zoo animal. The curator was chagrined because it was strict zoo policy never to give anthropomorphic names to their animals, but as this was President Carter, and the animal was scheduled to be released back into the wild after its rehabilitation, he relented to the request. President Carter observed the huge beast for a few moments, stroking his chin, deep in thought, and suddenly proclaimed, “I will name you Hugh.” The curator thought, “Well, that wasn’t too bad, no harm done by that.” However, as the president and his entourage were leaving, he thanked the curator and exclaimed, “I can’t wait to come back next year and visit Hugh again.” The curator now had a big problem; he had to keep the manatee instead of releasing it as planned. You guessed it; the curator was now faced with the daunting task of building a habitat for Hugh manatee.
So a goldfish walks into a bar and climbs slowly up onto a bar stool and looks at the bartender really hard. The bartender asks the goldfish, "So, what can I get ya?” The goldfish glares at the guy, and in desperation gasps "Water!"
A diver was coming ashore after a successful day of poaching lobsters when a marine patrol officer came up, saw the bucket full of lobsters and told the diver that the fine for poaching them was $500. “Oh, I'm not poaching sir; these are my pet lobsters from home. I'm just bringing them out for some exercise.” “ Exercise?” the officer said skeptically. “Sure, I bring them down to the beach, let them out for a little swim, then they come back and jump in this bucket and we go home.” “Hmm, can you show me?” “Sure” said the diver as he dumped the lobsters into the surf. A few minutes later the officer said, “OK, let's see your lobsters climb back in the bucket” “What lobsters?” asked the diver.
True story: At 4 am, our telephone rang. As an aquarium curator, I often get calls at odd hours regarding equipment malfunctions. However, our eleven-year-old son was away on a scout camping trip, so my wife dived for the phone. She picks up and hears, “Is Mr. Fuerst there?” She replies, “Who?” The voice repeats, “May I please speak with Jay Fuerst?” Confused by the name that sounded half-right, my wife shrugs and hands me the telephone. “Hello?” “Yes, Mr. Fuerst, this is aquarium security calling, we have a low temperature alarm in area one”. Then it became clear to me; the instruction sheet I had posted next to the phone at the aquarium reads “In case of a problem, call Jay first and Laurie second”. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t been at home?
Actual names of some Australian fishes:
Some are descriptive names; Painted grinner, bicolor scalyfin, many rayed threefin, slimy flathead and toothbrush leatherjacket. In other cases, the names are just plain strange: Humpty-dumpty, pretty polly, blacktip silverbiddy and happy moments. Then don’t forget about the blackarse cod, snotgall and gobbleguts!
True story: Capturing fish out of aquariums can be difficult and time consuming, especially for dealers. A truly horrendous method to solve this problem was designed into one wholesaler’s tanks. To each of their eight-foot long holding tanks, they added a 2 inch wide strip of clear acrylic, attached vertically to the back wall, extending out into the tank. The worker would start by chasing a fish with a net. Instinct would cause the fish to dash along the back wall to get away – causing it to swim full speed into the protruding (but invisible) Plexiglas barrier. Knocked senseless, the fish could be then be easily scooped out of the tank. This dealer soon went out of business.
Question: What is the difference between an entry-level public aquarist and a pepperoni pizza?
Answer: The pizza can feed a family of four!
Sharks aren’t the worst thing you may run across while diving: I once lead a eco-tour boat trip to the Galapagos. I was the last in the water, treading water at the stern of the boat waiting for the people ahead of me to clear the dive platform. I noticed the current bringing a swirl of white and brown particles towards me. I ducked my head under to get a closer look and see that the white particles look like bits of paper, and those little brown particles must be …. Oh no! One of the crew had turned on the macerating pump and emptied out the toilet holding tank while I was still in the water! Talk about being dumped on!
Top Ten Signs you may be an advanced aquarist:
10) You convert your hot tub to a high-speed saltwater mixing vat because it’s a lot more useful to you that way.
9) You hide your new $2500 Conspiculatus angelfish from your wife by bringing it home when she is out - after first having let algae totally overgrow the front glass so she won’t see it when she does return home.
8) You buy so many metal halide bulbs that your local police have you under surveillance as a possible marijuana growing operation.
7) You and your spouse play a fun game each month called, “Which will be higher the water bill or the electric bill?”
6) You find yourself singing, “You say A-crop-or-a and I say Acro-pora” over and over and over again.
5) You haven’t had a bath in a month, not since you brought in 500 pounds of fresh live rock and needed a large container to cure it in.
4) Latin is so NOT a dead language!
3) You haven’t seen your wife in a week, (coincidentally, just since you brought home that new 300 gallon tank) but have been much too busy setting it up to realize she’s gone.
2) Your kids don’t get vitamins, … but your corals always do!
1) Every summer, the evaporation rate of all your aquariums causes a small tropical depression to form in your living room.
This fine material was brought to you by the following Aquarium staff members:
Jim Notas, Knifefish researcher
Di R. Knull, Daytime activities coordinator
Caesar Chopee, Captain, collecting vessel
Lou Fawe, Sponge researcher
Lou Terr, Rapid equipment acquisition coordinator
Annette Waver, Apprentice fish collector
Luke O. Sistick, Albinism researcher
Ben Z. Dreen, Productivity enhancement facilitator