Has passive aggressive, can be interpreted as insulting comments always been the norm on R2R?

[S2G]

....

 

[Fishurama]

While being new here, my views are "fresh" everyone has been nice so far on my one and only thread haha. I didn't honestly expect that many people from a welcome section.

Hey guys new here and would like help IDing +pictures :)

Hey guys, hope you are doing well. Got a new freebie coral today with my order and I have no clue what it is... It some sort of favia, goniastrea, or similar. Pictures/video aren't the greatest, but it has a green mouth, its closed up but what looks like thick sweeper tentacles, then has an...

www.reef2reef.com

 

[Mastiffsrule]

xcellence is for those who exhibit both excellence in the hobby and demonstrate the values of Reef2Reef as helpful members of the community. So an excellent member should be someone who demonstrates solid knowledge as a hobbyist and also who is a kind and helpful member.

Once they gave me the badge I lowered the bar on that requirement

 

[Mastiffsrule]

There’s also an ignore button FYI

 

[Silver14SS]

What'd he say?

 

[Bleigh]

Is there a safe place I can make a case about two words that are in the badword filter?

I'm on my best behavior 'round here but the struggle is real.

MEEEEE too!!!!!!

 

[Bleigh]

Quite frankly, people are getting way too sensitive these days. If I say something you deem offensive and you tell me it’s offensive - I’ll think about it, perhaps apologize but I also reserve the right not to.

There’s no way for me or anyone else to know what another person may find offensive beyond some very common life issues, in reefing there aren’t that many (any) rules. If I poInt out to someone who’s saying that he’s waiting for his fish to die so he can “restart” his tank that he’s better off quitting the hobby - I’m not being disrespectful but honest. Should that person get offended my response would be that I found his disregard for the lives of his fish offensive. It’s an extreme example, one I’ve seen too many times, but I can see how someone would get offended...whether we should care about it is a completely different debate.

Just because I disagree with whatever someone may have said doesn’t mean I’m being passive aggressive or disrespectful. If one can’t deal with it then someone needs to explain why it’s my issue.

In sum, not to sound like too much of a jerk but thicken your skin - there are far worse things in life than perceived passive aggressive comments on a hobby forum...

I will say.,... when I bought my first (and only) beta fish, I named him fin, anticipating his imminent death. His replacement was going to be finnagain... At the 8 year mark, he still wasn't dead and had happily become my mother's fish. That was nearly 2 decades now... he did die sometime in that span, but I'm certain it was after a life well lived. But... i definitely talked about the fish dieing with anticipation and glee for at least a year or two.... whoops....

 

[EmdeReef]

I will say.,... when I bought my first (and only) beta fish, I named him fin, anticipating his imminent death. His replacement was going to be finnagain... At the 8 year mark, he still wasn't dead and had happily become my mother's fish. That was nearly 2 decades now... he did die sometime in that span, but I'm certain it was after a life well lived. But... i definitely talked about the fish dieing with anticipation and glee for at least a year or two.... whoops....

With respect, I think you misunderstood my comment. I was specifically referring to somewhat common posts in the disease forum where people post that they have ich or velvet but are waiting for the fish to die so they can restart. I think that’s completely unethical.

As far as the OP is concerned apart from the logical fallacy used to phrase the question, threads like this make me want to quit this forum. Dozens of people volunteer their precious free time on this forum to help others. Thousands share their good and bad experiences, great build threads, DIY projects, warnings about products and vendors, scientific and other knowledge.

Then there’s always someone unhappy without any specific examples about something he probably (at the minimum possibly) misinterpreted and then exaggerated into a systemic issue...

Yes out of 90k members maybe there are a few people who may sound offensive to you, be jerks (intentionally or not) or whatever - ignore them and move on.

Is it really a systemic issue or is the OP being just a little bit unfair and dare I say offensive to those who are on here trying to help and offer best advice they can?! Please elaborate what’s the “passive aggressive/insulting norm” - someone like Randy spending countless hours teaching us chemistry?, Dana Riddle sharing his invaluable discoveries?@Humblefish, @4FordFamily , @HotRocks and many others helping thousands of reefers quarantine and treat sick fish?

 

[Bleigh]

With respect, I think you misunderstood my comment. I was specifically referring to somewhat common posts in the disease forum where people post that they have ich or velvet but are waiting for the fish to die so they can restart. I think that’s completely unethical.

As far as the OP is concerned apart from the logical fallacy used to phrase the question, threads like this make me want to quit this forum. Dozens of people volunteer their precious free time on this forum to help others. Thousands share their good and bad experiences, great build threads, DIY projects, warnings about products and vendors, scientific and other knowledge.

Then there’s always someone unhappy without any specific examples about something he probably (at the minimum possibly) misinterpreted and then exaggerated into a systemic issue...

Yes out of 90k members maybe there are a few people who may sound offensive to you, be jerks (intentionally or not) or whatever - ignore them and move on.

Is it really a systemic issue or is the OP being just a little bit unfair and dare I say offensive to those who are on here trying to help and offer best advice they can?! Please elaborate what’s the “passive aggressive/insulting norm” - someone like Randy spending countless hours teaching us chemistry?, Dana Riddle sharing his invaluable discoveries?@Humblefish, @4FordFamily , @HotRocks and many others helping thousands of reefers quarantine and treat sick fish?

I honestly was just telling a funny story (or what I think is a funny story). No worries! ;Happy

 

[EmdeReef]

I honestly was just telling a funny story (or what I think is a funny story). No worries! ;Happy

And it’s a good example of how easy it is to misinterpret people’s intentions on here. Apologies to you...hopefully the OP takes this as a good example...

 

[Centerline]

Quite frankly, people are getting way too sensitive these days. If I say something you deem offensive and you tell me it’s offensive - I’ll think about it, perhaps apologize but I also reserve the right not to.

There’s no way for me or anyone else to know what another person may find offensive beyond some very common life issues, in reefing there aren’t that many (any) rules. If I poInt out to someone who’s saying that he’s waiting for his fish to die so he can “restart” his tank that he’s better off quitting the hobby - I’m not being disrespectful but honest. Should that person get offended my response would be that I found his disregard for the lives of his fish offensive. It’s an extreme example, one I’ve seen too many times, but I can see how someone would get offended...whether we should care about it is a completely different debate.

Just because I disagree with whatever someone may have said doesn’t mean I’m being passive aggressive or disrespectful. If one can’t deal with it then someone needs to explain why it’s my issue.

In sum, not to sound like too much of a jerk but thicken your skin - there are far worse things in life than perceived passive aggressive comments on a hobby forum...

I need a safe place after reading this. Extraordinarily hurtful.

 

[Mariette]

Haven’t been on much lately but I’ve found ppl on here generally to be polite and non judgmental. Although not always. So not of much help. Just wanted to congratulate you hope you, mom, and baby are doing well.

 

[reefiniteasy]

Then there’s always someone unhappy without any specific examples about something he probably (at the minimum possibly) misinterpreted and then exaggerated into a systemic issue...

I started a thread on what I saw and read over the last few days and whether or not anyone else felt the same? That’s it, didn’t target anyone, no need to mention specifics of what I read, it was simply my interpretation. If you didn’t read or see what I did (I could have easily misinterpreted things along the way) then that’s what you share. I didn’t exaggerate anything into a systemic issue, I asked how others felt. People have responded with an emphatic no, it’s not the norm. Things are good and there are outliers her and there. I ended the original post with my own admission that I can be wrong.

Maybe I’m wrong and I’m just interpreting things incorrectly. Does anyone else feel this way?

Is it really a systemic issue or is the OP being just a little bit unfair and dare I say offensive to those who are on here trying to help and offer best advice they can?! Please elaborate what’s the “passive aggressive/insulting norm” - someone like Randy spending countless hours teaching us chemistry?, Dana Riddle sharing his invaluable discoveries?@Humblefish, @4FordFamily , @HotRocks and many others helping thousands of reefers quarantine and treat sick fish?

Not sure how I have been unfair or offensive to any of the people you name dropped. I did in fact say what my issue was

But anyway, my issue, in a couple of forums is how some people have responded to what I have figured out to be respected members of this community.

If in starting this thread I somehow offended anyone that has been brought into this discussion you have my sincerest of apologies.

EmdeReef, I can tell I have offended you in some way and for that I apologize. Thank you for giving up your free time for this forum and I’m sorry that my honest question makes you want to quit. I simply got tired of reading how people would rather blame what seem to be experienced reefers for things happening to their tanks than even remotely consider that a product could be at fault, it’s like they had little faith in others ability. My problem is the words people chose and the way they used them. I thought it to be disrespectful. I thought my question would be a good way to feel out if anyone else noticed anything. If you want specifics, as soon as things calm down in my house and I have time I will gladly sift through these thread and supply you with the type of comment I’m referring to. Please don’t be angry with me. I need all the help I can get if I’m going to keep our classroom tank alive.

 

[reefiniteasy]

So I’m going back through this thread to check to make sure I haven’t insulted/offended anyone and I find this comment. Now my brain says don’t engage, but I feel compelled. I guess maybe I’m going to be a part of the problem.

I agree with a lot that was said but this is social media and everyone is entitled to make comments on anything posted. People need to grow up and take their feelings off their shoulders. As long as no say anything racist or personal, which they wouldn’t cause they don’t know me, I don’t care. If your that sensitive don’t post and if your wife was at the hospital having a baby you should have been attending to her and not get your feelings wrapped up in a post. You put your business out there, so that’s how people use it against you.

If you think I’m too sensitive that’s fine. But what are you trying to prove by teaching me a lesson that if I put the birth of my daughter out there you have to show me it can be used against me in insinuating I should have been attending to my wife. As if I wasn’t there for her, I’m an excellent husband and father. I’m not going to give any sort of justification or explanation or defense. It’s non of your dang business and you deserve no attention (even though I took the bait and am responding). You could have commented congratulations like many have (which I wasn’t looking for but do appreciate very much) but instead you choose to throw it back at me, in that I’m not there for my wife, because what, you disagree with my post. Here is an example of the discourse I have noticed on the forums. I will turn on my filter and stop here before I get myself banned.

 

[Bleigh]

So I’m going back through this thread to check to make sure I haven’t insulted/offended anyone and I find this comment. Now my brain says don’t engage, but I feel compelled. I guess maybe I’m going to be a part of the problem.



If you think I’m too sensitive that’s fine. But what are you trying to prove by teaching me a lesson that if I put the birth of my daughter out there you have to show me it can be used against me in insinuating I should have been attending to my wife. As if I wasn’t there for her, I’m an excellent husband and father. I’m not going to give any sort of justification or explanation or defense. It’s non of your dang business and you deserve no attention (even though I took the bait and am responding). You could have commented congratulations like many have (which I wasn’t looking for but do appreciate very much) but instead you choose to throw it back at me, in that I’m not there for my wife, because what, you disagree with my post. Here is an example of the discourse I have noticed on the forums. I will turn on my filter and stop here before I get myself banned.

I don’t think he was doing that. I was under the impression that he was illustrating how people behave on the Internet; aka trolls. It’s easy to take something and make it ugly. I don’t think anyone thinks you’re a bad husband or anything of the sort. He even said “that’s how people use it against you.” Like, people on the Internet will twist things. If you’re on the Internet, you have to anticipate that it will happen at some point and ignore it when it does. I mean, you don’t have to ignore it, but that’s typically the best way to get them to stop being ugly. I’ve had people say they felt sorry for my kid cause he has such a bad mom for things totally unrelated to my Parenting. I just rolled my eyes. Yeah, for a second it feels hurtful, then you realize they know nothing about you and can’t actually offer an insightful opinion. I don’t even remember why I was told that, which proves it was about something that wasn’t a big deal, and also that it still stings.

In general, I don’t look for things to be offensive. If they read that way to me, I assume I’m reading it wrong. I either respond in a jovial manner or I don’t engage. R2r has few “trolls”. I’m assuming it’s cause the admin does a wonderful job of removing them. You’re left with real people who have lives and some of which are going through things. They do care, otherwise they wouldn’t be responding, mainly cause they aren’t trolls. People may lose their temper - we’re all human, it happens. What matters is how both sides react after a flair up.

 

[EMeyer]

Quite frankly, people are getting way too sensitive these days. If I say something you deem offensive and you tell me it’s offensive - I’ll think about it, perhaps apologize but I also reserve the right not to.

There’s no way for me or anyone else to know what another person may find offensive beyond some very common life issues, in reefing there aren’t that many (any) rules. If I poInt out to someone who’s saying that he’s waiting for his fish to die so he can “restart” his tank that he’s better off quitting the hobby - I’m not being disrespectful but honest. Should that person get offended my response would be that I found his disregard for the lives of his fish offensive. It’s an extreme example, one I’ve seen too many times, but I can see how someone would get offended...whether we should care about it is a completely different debate.

Just because I disagree with whatever someone may have said doesn’t mean I’m being passive aggressive or disrespectful. If one can’t deal with it then someone needs to explain why it’s my issue.

In sum, not to sound like too much of a jerk but thicken your skin - there are far worse things in life than perceived passive aggressive comments on a hobby forum...

This. Offense is taken, not given.

 

[Peach02]

I'm curious now though. Looks like you're at 975, so let's see if it changes at 1,000. I notice that HB AL has it already and he's got 1791 posts, so it seems like it's between those 2 numbers.

I just hit 100 trophy points and 1000 messages. I’m not sure which caused it as they both happened at about the same time but I just became a valuable member. However the trophy that pushed me over was the one for 1000 messages so maybe that’s what gives you valueable member aswell

 

[holyscoly]

Things have calmed down considerably since the flame wars we saw on some of the forums back in the 90's. There's the old saying 'Smile when you say that' - impossible on the internet, and sometimes difficult to interpret true meaning.

back in the days (6 or 7 years ago ) being rude was the norm on another top dog forum. i excused myself from posting in forums due to the lack of advice and the constant jabs thrown at people giving real advice. i dont see this to much here on r2r and its refreshing.

 

[Silent]

I take things with a grain of salt. Nobody on the internet is gonna bother me or hurt my feelings, period.

 

[EMeyer]

Dana's comment about the internet culture of the 90s got me thinking.

Over the years, I've taken part in a lot of forums since the late 90s when I first got on the internet. I enjoy the format of messageboards (as opposed to social media which I find completely unappealing and don't do, at all). Something about searchable, persistent written discussions just works for me.

Anyway, these forums have ranged widely from complete free speech to completely sanitized & moderated. These days, I've pruned my list down to very few. And its interesting to me that these only include the extremes.

One of my favorite forums focuses on video games, sci fi, and politics... and is completely unfiltered. Foul language, good natured insults, heck -- even an actual, honest to god argument. With people genuinely disagreeing, and not filtering everything into politically correct pablum, but just saying what they think. I love that place. Its like hanging out with my friends from college. Totally comfortable, never have to worry you're gonna offend someone (or that if you do, it'll be hilarious)

Another of my favorites is R2R. Its the polar opposite. Logging onto R2R is like visiting my grandmas house. You didnt cuss -- heck, she didnt even approve of slang. Using "yeah" instead of "yes" literally got you a disapproving look. I'm pretty sure if someone had used one of the big 12 words you cant say on TV, her glare could have killed. Even the topics of conversation were extremely limited - no religion, politics, or various aspects of modern culture that might offend her.

It was exhausting, but what are you gonna do? I loved my grandma. R2R is pretty great, too.

Everybody can make the rules in their own house, and houseguests need to respect house rules. Here, that means no foul language etc. and I sincerely respect that, and do my best to adhere to it in spirt and letter. Your House, Your Rules. (And I am not even suggesting any change should be made - such a suggestion would be in itself offensive. Your House!)

I just wanted to add some perspective. Those who express wishes for a more free-speech environment arent necessarily trolls or jerks. Its just nice sometimes to relax, and not have to walk on eggshells. There's a reason you only go visit Grandma for a while then go home -- it's exhausting talking nice all the time.