How to know if you want kids

[Corey Baker]

Wow... interesting read. a lot of personal thoughts and feelings in these responses. Glad to see the community reaching out and hope what ever the OP comes to decide works out no matter how tough.

As for myself. 38 yo and worked my butt off most of my life and screwed up a lot too, but i own my own home in SoCal, all the toys and fun stuff it comes with living the single life as i have for past 15 years almost. So yah, no kids and no real plan to ever go down that road but if it happened.... i would man up as so many have and try to enjoy the ride where ever it took us. Easier said than done of course but that's the way i have live my life thus far so why would i stop just because of a kid? Make the kid part of the fun, turn the struggles in to triumphs and the low time into success stories?

Again though, great to see all those giving some thoughts. Good Luck joe0813!

 

[Zionas]

I’m in the same situation with my current girlfriend. I am a never married, 24 turning 25 guy and she is 35 going on 36 in 2 months with a 6-year old daughter from her previous marriage. We get along in many ways and she’s the first “real” girlfriend I’ve had in terms of having done many couples things together. I know I want my own biological kids and honestly don’t see myself being a step parent. I do stuff for her daughter; sometimes even give input on how to raise her, but I’m doing it more to make her happy than because I actually want the kid.

There are times where I do think about having someone closer to my age or a bit younger who’s free to start a family and have kids. It’s a painful dilemma. There is no chance she’ll be able to live together with me for the next 6-7 years as we’re going to be in different cities and there isn’t really a feasible way to make it work. I’m not fan of the city she’s in, she’s not either. She wants to send her daughter off to a boarding school once she’s 12-13 so she can have more time to herself (if it were my own kids I would not send them to a boarding school, they’re staying with me). It’s highly unlikely she’d want another child, nor would I want to expose her to another pregnancy considering her age.

I don’t want to wait too long to get married, ideally I will have done it by the time I’m 30-31 if not earlier. I always think about kids in terms of my own rather than her little girl.

Both of my folks were pretty damaged and never really in a position to give me the support I needed (if not counting money). This makes me extra motivated to be a better dad and parent to my own future children, so they won’t have to go through the crap I had to just to preserve a piece of my sanity.

 

[redeyejedi]

Get the mrs a puppy. Works for me.

 

[ahm12]

I was usually just a reader at reef2reef , i just became a member to post this .

Kids are awesome. I have a 15month old . I don’t remember laughing or smiling this much or pulling my hair also this much before he was born . First 3 months were hard but its ok.

Nurse+firefighter make decent money not sure why you struggle with bills.

every women who wants to be a mother deserves to be a mother . Can’t imagine the emptiness.

get to work post a picture in 9 months.

everyone told me kids are expensive. No they r not . My son is barely costing me 100-150 a month, does not include health insurance.

what life i had before him? Netflix? Go on a bike ride ? Watch sports? Feed fish?boring vacations? I never had one instance when i wanted my life before him back .

 

[fish farmer]

I was usually just a reader at reef2reef , i just became a member to post this .

Kids are awesome. I have a 15month old . I don’t remember laughing or smiling this much or pulling my hair also this much before he was born . First 3 months were hard but its ok.

Nurse+firefighter make decent money not sure why you struggle with bills.

every women who wants to be a mother deserves to be a mother . Can’t imagine the emptiness.

get to work post a picture in 9 months.

everyone told me kids are expensive. No they r not . My son is barely costing me 100-150 a month, does not include health insurance.

what life i had before him? Netflix? Go on a bike ride ? Watch sports? Feed fish?boring vacations? I never had one instance when i wanted my life before him back .

Almost every parent I talk to brings up the cost of it....usually it is about sending them to college. Like having to work past retirement age to send the "kids" to college, don't have kids past a certain age, you'll have to work longer. Of course you can kick them out at 18 and let them figure it out, but who would do that to their kid.

 

[mickeysreef <*))))<]

do you get to keep the fish tank though??? joking aside, only you can answer this question. sounds like you wanted to vent a little to a group you feel common interests with. nothing wrong with that, my wife says you'll go nuts if you dont talk to someone... lots of dynamics going on in your situation - and the questions are really natural. from a guy who had kids at a young age and has more now with his new wife. good luck

 

[Zionas]

Yeah I wouldn’t ever want to do that. It’s so cruel. If I could I’d use all my resources so that they don’t have to end up making someone else richer (who probably doesn’t give two ****s about them).

 

[Brady4000]

This one is going to pretty good.... Little background... im 34 with one daughter that I had at a very young 20 years old. It was a very negative experience and a very brutal time because of issues with my girlfriend at the time. I have been with my now wife who is 33yrs old for going on 7 years now. Ive always said I didn't want anymore kids and was all done and she's been understanding up until recently. Baby fever for his is coming on pretty strong, she wants to be a mother more than anything. So here's the issue I am so torn whether I want to have a family that we are actually a family or just stay just us two and the two dogs.
Being a firefighter I dont make a ton of money, actually I struggle to pay my bills. She's an ER nurse and does make decent money, so there's also the fear of not being financially comfortable. I enjoy just having my time to myself, days off getting up whenever I feel like it, saying screw it and going on a cruise or spending the day riding my dirt bike or street bike. But then there's the other side of me that wants a family, to be a parent to a child that actually has a married not hating each other mom and dad, teach them how to ride motorcycles and play sports and all that fun stuff. Go away as a family.
Thats my dilemma, obviously I wont be making my decision based off of this and its something me and her will have to really think about. Just wanted to hear some of you guys stories and what made you decide, kids or no kids

I usually don’t comment on these type of post. (Non-reef talking)

But holy cow, I could have wrote this myself, down to the firefighter and wife with a good job. Only difference is, I didn’t have any kids before her, and we still don’t have kids.

Been married 13 years, I was married at 21, I now 34. As a firefighter (Wildland/hotshot), I was never home but absolutely loved what I did more than wanting kids. My wife a manager who makes more money than I, was never ambitious about having kids, she “liked the idea, but disliked the idea at the same time. But was more interested in moving up the career ladder, without any distractions.

We both don’t like the idea of sending our make believe kid to daycare, and she would be practical raising our kids single if we had one. But no possible way I could make ends meet with just myself.

So the deal with the devil was made, it goes like this.

“We both don’t want kids, at the moment. Sweet! BUT I love you and I want you to be happy, and we only have one life. If you decide to have kids, I’ll make it happen, even if we need to adopt and change our lifestyle. Since she settled for me hah, if I want kids she will go with the flow, to make sure I am living my best life and make it happen even if we have to adopt.”

So I got a new job a few years ago still in fire, but where I am home more and baby fever has become a real thing, I know it’s a matter of time before the deal I made in my 20s comes to collet. But like I said YOLO that’s how I roll, I’ll hold my end up is she decides.

Definitely not for everyone, but this is how I do it.

Edit: oh yea I for got to add, the new job = more time for two fish tanks mmwehahah there is light at the end of the tunnel!

 

[piranhaman00]

Similar thoughts myself... gf and I just got SCUBA certified and I envision a life of traveling SCUBA and REEF TANKS. But you cant turn back time and have kids. mmmmm tough.

 

[Oregon Grown Reef]

Here's another perspective.

I don't have kids, but I've wanted kids since I was 13. I would have had kids at 18 if I met the right girl. I'm 29 this year. I still want kids more than anything. My wife is in a little bit of a different boat. She wants kids, but not yet. I'm fine with waiting, but I'd like to have them by 30. What reassures me most that I want to have kids is how much joy I have when playing with my friends kids (I've been there literally since day 1 for one of them). There's also how much I tear up when YouTube decides to randomly suggest a pregnancy reveal video.

If you don't want kids, you'll know it. It sounds like you already do. The problem you have now is asking yourself why before talking with your wife. Another thing to think about is adopting. Would you be more interested if you adopted an older child and would your wife be interested?

 

[davidcalgary29]

Kids will definitely test the limits of your mind, money, and patience regardless of how much of those three things you think you have.

And yet it's the best experience I'll ever have. My partner, Brian, and I adopted eight years ago when it became possible to do so here, and there have been no regrets.

 

[ahm12]

Almost every parent I talk to brings up the cost of it....usually it is about sending them to college. Like having to work past retirement age to send the "kids" to college, don't have kids past a certain age, you'll have to work longer. Of course you can kick them out at 18 and let them figure it out, but who would do that to their kid.

Unfortunately alot of parents do it. They think 18 year old know everything or its like 50’s or 60’s when everyone paid living wage and college costed pennies. My part time job before finishing college was shoe department in sears. We used to get so many pregnant 18,19 year olds with no support from parents . my kid is going to do what i did community college first two years and hopefully i can save the remaining 30-40k needed for bachelor’s.

 

[Brady4000]

Unfortunately alot of parents do it. They think 18 year old know everything or its like 50’s or 60’s when everyone paid living wage and college costed pennies. My part time job before finishing college was shoe department in sears. We used to get so many pregnant 18,19 year olds with no support from parents . my kid is going to do what i did community college first two years and hopefully i can save the remaining 30-40k needed for bachelor’s.

You should look into WGU. FYI. Extremely affordable, and fully accredited.

 

[Ed olson]

To counter the $$$ for school...My daughter was accepted to UNC Chapel Hill. Her mother and I do not have "Chapel Hill" dollars. She knew what a opportunity this meant for her, so scholarships and grants are paying her way.

 

[CubsFan]

With all these ridiculous child labor laws? What’s the point?

 

[zukihara]

Let me give you my old age wisdom here.

In life there are many decisions that there are no right or wrong answers to and you just have to do what you feel is right. If you make honestly bad decisions (smoke crack for example) that is one thing, but when you say, hey, I want to really think this thing out before I do it, you can only do what you think is best and move on.

Parenting is a good example of that, where sometimes your advice and decisions really do not have a right or wrong answer and you just do the best you can. THIS THREAD is also a good example. There is no right and wrong, just thinking it through from different viewpoints.

That said, child support sucks you are more apt to make a mistake picking a woman than having a child. Forget deciding on children being a big deal and decide if this partner will turn into a bludgeoning psychopath and have you living in squalor 3 years from now after breaking you like a bad habit.

 

[William Morris]

Perhaps the greatest reason for having children is what they make of you.
I had to become more of a man and a human being if I was going to raise my children to be "good people".
I had to change my habits so I could be here for as long as I possibly could for them.
I had to "rise above how I was raised".
Hard work? You bet - but I am blessed with 5 children and 9 grandchildren.
And I wouldn't be the man I am today without them.

 

[Opus]

I take those stupid online about this and always end up with the same answer from all of them.... "based on your answers youre very confused and torn whether to have kids or not." well ya thats why I took it

Mine always tell me I'm clinically depressed and on the verge of suicide and should seek immediate help. If that survey actually lived with me and knew me, it would realize that is the polar opposite of what I am.

Oh, and my wife told me we were having kids, so I have 3 now. At least she didn't do like the lady I used to work with that poked holes in her husbands condoms so she would get pregnant.

 

[Ardeus]

Here's a hint: lots of people who do research on climate change are not having kids.

And if nothing worse happens before, here's a scenario for the next 10-20 years:

- No arctic sea ice during summer months cause:
- Erratic weather patterns in the northern hemisphere that cause:
- Significant crop losses in the main bread baskets of the world 2 or 3 years in a row that cause:
- A few hundred million people on the move and war that will turn WWII into a footnote in history.

That's as far as my cristal ball goes.

I don't know what kind of world we will be living during the 2030's, it's like a man falling from the top of a building, he doesn't know which bones he will break or even if he will survive, but he knows it won't end well.

I know the next couple of decades won't likely be compatible with keeping reef tanks. Having kids and having them thrown into this situation? Mhhh...

I will be very pleasantly surprised if this scenario plays out much later, I won't be surprised if it comes to happen sooner.

 

[Zionas]

I guess when my system’s set up, I guess for the longest lived fish on my stocking list I’ll have to everything I can to make them last their full lifespans.

Do you think there will be no more reefing hobby in say, 20-30 years?

Honest quite scared, I’m 24 turning 25 this year and just getting into it. I’d like to think that at least a fair number of my creatures will last into my thirties, forties, even fifties.