Our 400 Gallon In Wall Natural Sun-Lit Reef

[jdpiii3]

God bless and keep you! Your strength is inspiring!

 

[fishybizzness]

I have been married for 30 years this July. I tell my wife all the time that if anything were to happen to her I don't know how I would go on. I found this the other day and sent it to her because it really shows my true feelings. I understand how you feel and admire your strength moving forward!

 

[revhtree]

I am a widower. On June 2, 2013, at 10:22pm, a date like any other date when you look at calendar, my wife of 24 years, Kelly Marie Palermo, died. To us 10:22 meant so much more, it was our - first date, engagement, marriage, vow renewal and a joyful game we would play almost every day of our lives together. Seeing if we could get in front of a clock as it would tick 10:22 we would kiss and giggle like those giddy teenage kids from way back when, it was a great game. …life changes in an ordinary moment.

During the month leading up to Kelly’s death, I was sleeping two to four hours a night, making hospital vigils; attending a dozen hours a day. I went back and forth, home, hospital, work, and Disney a lot. From the moment her symptoms of colon cancer first appeared. One night, I woke up to her 4 a.m. screams. My fear was overwhelming. I had to punch my heart to start breathing. It is an experience that is embedded forever in my memory.

It’s been ten years since my Kelly passed away. Every anniversary since her passing has been a day full of sadness, longing and wishing she was still alive. The anticipation of the ten-year anniversary has undoubtedly had an effect on me, and I often find myself questioning if it is normal. In the midst, however, of the heartache, there is also remembering; remembering the kind, funny woman that she was and the legacy that she left in myself and all the people that loved her. Ten years simultaneously feels like no time at all, but also a lifetime.

My story is one of many among the great legion of widowed men. And, I want to say to all grieving widowers, tell your stories and make every effort available to heal during this immensely difficult time. We can learn so much from each other. We must make what initially seems to be a herculean effort to re-create ourselves, move on, experience joy and make life’s pleasures somehow available again. Grief is always around.

I don’t mean to sound idealistic, and I know that life is not always great. I watched the woman of my dreams take her last breath. It was on me. There are definitely days when I want to stay under the covers.

But I am still alive. I want to embrace every moment and search with all my heart for something in every day that makes me smile. This may be something as simple as the sound of cats purring or the smell of a spring breeze. I will not take life for granted.

Kelly’s personality was one where you just liked her, it was easy to like Kelly.

Since Kelly’s death I have been piecing myself back together and I’m learning that now the pieces are all different. Everything I thought I knew has been challenged and I spend a lot of time questioning myself and my actions. What is important? What matters?

Lately these questions have led me back to Kelly’s last days. On May 27 we came home from the hospital after being told that Kelly’s kidneys were failing. The word from the doctors was 3 to 7 days. I remember saying, “It’s time to call Hospice.” Thinking about that moment still stops me in my tracks.

A hospital bed was delivered to our home and for the next several days family and friends came to our home to see us. Kelly was tired and fading but that didn’t stop her from smiling and laughing, or from showing us through her actions that every minute is precious.

There were moments of total peace and happiness. I remember thinking, “I got to spend 24 years of my life with Kelly. I loved and was loved in a way I never believed would happen." Drifting back, I could hear her laughter, smell her perfume and I could feel her skin.

All I ever wanted was to make Kelly happy.

Before going to sleep Kelly and I used to ask each other what the best and worst part of the day was. On our first night at home with Hospice Care after finding out that Kelly’s kidneys were failing, we spent the evening with family and friends. Before we went to sleep that night, I asked Kelly what she loved the most about the day. Kelly thought for a moment then looked deeper into my eyes than ever before. Kelly said, "I loved it all.”

Even in the darkest of times Kelly saw light.

What I have learnt is that is the very nature of grief; it has its own rhythm – sometimes fast, sometimes slow. It is both in the present and in the past and it definitely appears that it stays that way no matter how much time has passed. Grief is difficult to understand unless you have experienced losing someone you love.

Grief is not just one event in time. In fact, it is not even just an emotional response to a loss. It is a process that changes us permanently but also constantly as we ourselves change and grow. It is not something that happens once and goes away; it is something that evolves, expands and contracts, and changes in shape, depth, and intensity as time goes on. Ten years, for me, feels like a momentous anniversary, because of how much my life has changed and been shaped by losing Kelly.

The tenth anniversary of my wife’s death has had me feeling a whole spectrum of emotions – loneliness, despair, anger, worry, fear and Hope to name just a few. As the years have passed, I have come to understand that rather than stifling my emotions, I must allow myself to go through those emotions, even as I experience joy and happiness.

Grief doesn’t magically show up or end at a certain point after you lose someone you love. Over time, reminders will bring back the pain you initially felt, particularly on anniversaries. For me, this ten-year mark seems to be bringing back the pain in waves so hard and fast that sometimes, it feels hard to breathe. A friend told me that grief is like a shipwreck and when the waves are stormy and choppy and intense, it feels as though you are grasping onto any part of that shipwreck and trying to not get swept away.

I find that I cannot always remember the sound of Kelly’s voice – but I remember everything else about her. It is true that grief persists invisibly through life, and slowly, you do get used to a new reality but that hole of loss that they left behind can never be filled. Another thing that I have found is that the last 24 hours of my wife’s life replays in my mind almost daily. It is one of the days that changed my life irreversibly and a day I will never forget. At the time, it felt like a blur but now it is so vivid.

The most important thing I have learnt about grief over the past ten years is that it is okay to feel how I need to feel and that’s okay. It is also okay to reach out and talk to people too. Be patient and be kind to yourself.

I hope our story makes people stop for a minute and think about the life they’re living. Their relationships and how they treat people. That their spouses will stop for a minute and hug their wife or husband. And not take anything for granted.

Hope lives again.

Ten years later, I’m holding onto hope tighter than ever before. Each year, I latch on a little tighter because I need someone to carry me.

My ten years of ‘why’s?’ have turned into ten thousand moments of ‘why we need hope’.

Until we get to the other side, to the distant shores we’ve yet to see, we’ll keep holding tightly as Hope ferries us through this storm and any other squalls that may arise.

There will be more firsts to come. Year five felt like a big accomplishment too. For me, it was as if I took a big deep breath and said, “OK. We can really do this. God has gotten us through thus far and we’ll just keep on keeping on five years at a time.

But here we are at year ten. It’s the next set of fives. Among the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years of grief, though, Hope still remains. It has always been there because unlike the uncharted days we traverse, its source never changes.

Hope lives again.

Hope is there after everyone else has forgotten the memorials that mark the pain.

Hope can’t forget. Hope is always conscious.

Hope is constantly reaching out.

Hope. Is. There.

In the end, nothing is ever so lost, that it cannot be found again, and no tears have ever been cried, that weren't worth the joy that came before.

You will be okay. I promise.

With all my love, remembering you today and every day.

My Love, I miss you dearly.

Forever a Husband

Joe you are beautiful my friend. Your Kelly Marie is beautiful! Your story is beautiful! The rest of your story has yet to be written but it’s beautiful! As believers we know that it’s a happy ending! Love you sir, thinking and praying for you!! She’s cheering you on!

 

[jdpiii3]

Joe you are beautiful my friend. Your Kelly Marie is beautiful! Your story is beautiful! The rest of your story has yet to be written but it’s beautiful! As believers we know that it’s a happy ending! Love you sir, thinking and praying for you!! She’s cheering you on!

 

[Lowell Lemon]

Beautiful words about how love changes us and hope sustains us. A new morning is coming when all tears will be wiped away!

 

[jdpiii3]

Beautiful words about how love changes us and hope sustains us. A new morning is coming when all tears will be wiped away!

 

[jdpiii3]

A year and two months and my Neptune Apex control system is broken again. First, I had to replace the main control unit.

Now I have a flashing orange light on the power supply and it will not connect to the controller. Thankfully I was home and not out of town for work when the system went down.

Neptune has to increase the reliability of these units if they expect us to make them the lifeline of our reef systems.

Scrambling now to try to get this fixed.

 

[jdpiii3]

Hello friends as we enter the summer months here are some par readings from our natural sun light system at noon - 1pm as a comparison I've added the par from the Kessil A500's leds. These numbers at the water surface will translate to an on average par at the sand bed of high 300's. I don't currently have a waterproof sensor and I will not be putting my Samsung Note under the water.

 

[i cant think]

Question - So one of the local LFS just got in a Yellow Belly Regal Angelfish. I was thinking about adding it to our reef, am I asking for trouble?

Did you ever go ahead with this?
I think a regal would fit nicely in your reef assuming you don’t have another in there already (if you do you’ll want a smaller specimen than your current one). I’d personally add maybe 2-3 other angels with a regal if you’re still on the fence - I just added a Tiger Tail Coral Beauty to my Regal and Majestic angels and aggression appeared but it was minimal. Here’s some ‘old’ photos of my 3 angels;

 

[jdpiii3]

Did you ever go ahead with this?
I think a regal would fit nicely in your reef assuming you don’t have another in there already (if you do you’ll want a smaller specimen than your current one). I’d personally add maybe 2-3 other angels with a regal if you’re still on the fence - I just added a Tiger Tail Coral Beauty to my Regal and Majestic angels and aggression appeared but it was minimal. Here’s some ‘old’ photos of my 3 angels;

No, I didn't I went back to the store, and it had died they couldn't get it to eat.

 

[i cant think]

No, I didn't I went back to the store, and it had died they couldn't get it to eat.

Such a shame to hear, when they thrive they’re worth every penny.

 

[jdpiii3]

I have a question about adding a UV sterilizer to my system. I was wondering how it would work if I were to plumb it into the recirculating pump on my MRC MR-6R Recirculating Protein Skimmer.

I am using a Reeflo Hammerhead pump to power the recirculation feed. I was thinking about using a Tee fitting to split the output. Then feeding the UV with a Gate valve and flow sensor. Then Tee it back to the recirculation.

How do you think this would work? Will this kill the production from my skimmer? Or should I just plumb the UV as a standalone?

Or go Ozone O3?

 

[fishguy242]

IMO, I would go stand alone.

 

[c4haskett]

I don't know what to say really. I just read through all 57 pages of this thread. I didn't know I'd end up crying, but it was certainly a beautiful read. I love your tank and I wish you the best going forward.

 

[jdpiii3]

Hi friends here is a quick September update of the reef, I hope you enjoy!

 

[jdpiii3]

 

[jdpiii3]

Building Our Natural Sun-Lit Reef

 

[pal98111]

During the build my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer it has spread to her liver and both lungs. She had major surgery to remove the tumor she has been in chemotherapy 3 days a week since November. The build has taken a back seat. We still work on the tank when time permits.

So many areas of the build still need a lot of work.

Some of my daily care of the system include

Water Changes

Daily 1-2% gallon water changes

Dose

I’ve been dosing 50ml of vinegar daily
Tropic Marin Bio Calcium // AquaVitro Fuel

Feeding

Reef Nutrition // Phyto Feast // Arcti Pods // Oyster Feast
Rods Food, Nori, mysis , all with a Selcon soak

Current Water parameters

S.G. 1.0255 - 1.026 Ph 8.1-8.3 // NH3-4 0.00// NO2 0.0 //NO3 0.0 //PO4 0.0 //Mg 1450 //Ca 490 // Alk 9.4

During the build my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer it has spread to her liver and both lungs. She had major surgery to remove the tumor she has been in chemotherapy 3 days a week since November. The build has taken a back seat. We still work on the tank when time permits.

So many areas of the build still need a lot of work.

Some of my daily care of the system include

Water Changes

Daily 1-2% gallon water changes

Dose

I’ve been dosing 50ml of vinegar daily
Tropic Marin Bio Calcium // AquaVitro Fuel

Feeding

Reef Nutrition // Phyto Feast // Arcti Pods // Oyster Feast
Rods Food, Nori, mysis , all with a Selcon soak

Current Water parameters

S.G. 1.0255 - 1.026 Ph 8.1-8.3 // NH3-4 0.00// NO2 0.0 //NO3 0.0 //PO4 0.0 //Mg 1450 //Ca 490 // Alk 9.4

I'm very sorry to hear about your wife. I pray that she has the finest doctors and the best outcome.

 

[jdpiii3]

I'm very sorry to hear about your wife. I pray that she has the finest doctors and the best outcome.

thank you, sadly she has passed away a few years ago.

 

[jdpiii3]

Hi friends,

Our natural sun-lit reef could use your help, we're trying to win Polo Reefs - Tank of the Month contest.

Check out Polo Reef's Facebook group see his amazing 17,000 gallon reef tank and then please, Vote for our reef.

Polo Reefs Tank of the month contest