tell me a good joke

[mfinn]

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd
just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his
nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's
walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do
that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a
thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

[Leishman]

A man walks in to the pub with an emu and a cat, he orders 3 pints.
Next the emu orders 3 pints, then the cat says, "*** you! I'm not buying you two a pint".

This happens for 3 fridays in a row.

On the 4th Friday the bar keep asks, "why do and the bird put up with that cheap cat?" to which the man responded, "It's a long story; but in a nut shell, I found a brass lamp that I rubbed, and a gene offered one wish. This is what I got when I wished for a long legged bird with a tight *****"

 

[salt newbie01]

Funny stuff everyone!! here's my contribution...



For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



The radio went silent and the interview ended

 

[ecotoxlady]

Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $350.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $150.00
Putting you & your girlfriends photo on your fake drivers license = PRICELESS

REMEMBER!!

When making a fake ID, attach a picture of yourself only...
no matter how much you love your girl.

 

[jerryc]

Only 3 times
Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question"

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times"

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan. Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you. Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...."

"Oh my God! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...."

 

[bamachamp92]

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and lifting bales of hay power, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.



She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......



'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.'

 

[NewBeeMommy1]

a little dirty


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. < Boi_2-fishin > 01/12 18:48:39



Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?' She asks, 'What?' and he replies 'Sex!!'
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'
Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they w ould sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bittch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson’s.'

 

[NewBeeMommy1]

bama_tease92 that was a good one,,,,hehehehe

 

[rarelyseriousb]

jerryc ha ha

 

[mfinn]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.



He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide

 

[Kaptain]

My wife sent me this awhile back. She said she would get one of these and use it on me whenever I thought about spending to much on my reef tank.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBfYW_CnYSw

 

[Leishman]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,? 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.. That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good', she replied 'Get your own dang blanket.'

After a moment of silence................................. he farted.

 

[jerryc]

Pure Magic
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

[mfinn]

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling
insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch
on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never
be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a propo-
sition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered
with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you
come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he
stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug
spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the
farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to
the corn field. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging
in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total
wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite
on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't
have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil
happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,
"For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a
Mother!"

 

[NewBeeMommy1]

that was so funny...i sent that to everybody.....lol

 

[mfinn]

One more:


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in
their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar
of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the
wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its
half the price!"


On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25, husband down."

 

[NewBeeMommy1]

that is not right,,,but funny as hell

 

[The Nomad]

An 85 year old man is sitting in the park on a bench and he's crying.
A young man walks by seeing him ask the old man, "What's wrong?"
The old man sobs, " I'm 87, I have a beautiful home and a beautiful caring young bride.
She cooks everyday, keeps the house clean, waits on me hand and foot and three times a week I take a little blue pill and we have great sex."

The young man replies," Gee mister, that doesn't sound like anything to be sad about, it sounds like you've got it made. So, why are you crying?"
"Because," the old man replies, " I can't remember where I live!"

 

[NewBeeMommy1]

what a sad little man..hehehehe just kidding

 

[Leishman]

True story:

was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting...'13...13...13' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap
in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Just then someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting...'14...14...14'