tell me a good joke

NewBeeMommy1 · Dec 29, 2008

The old man in his mid-eighties < graveyard > 12/29 04:22:42
struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
:wink:

pjr · Dec 29, 2008

Not a joke, but I found this funny!

http://www.aksalser.com/game.htm

bamachamp92 · Dec 29, 2008

That is hilarious.

pjr · Dec 29, 2008

The joke or the game?

bamachamp92 · Dec 29, 2008

the joke was funny, the game is awesome I love the look on his face when you hit him.

AquaWorldPSC · Dec 30, 2008

I have a few long ones...

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and tick into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ticking all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could tick all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

AquaWorldPSC · Dec 30, 2008

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

NewBeeMommy1 · Dec 30, 2008

too funny.....who else has got a joke for the group here is one a friend sent

2 tall trees was growing in the woods.One day a little sapling sprung up between them.
One tall tree asked the other *Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch*
The other tall tree said *I have no idea*
After a while a woodpecker came through.The 2 tall trees decided to ask the woodpecker *Mr woodpecker,Since your a tree expert.Is that little sapling a son of a beech or a son of a birch?*
The woodpecker said *Well lets find out* Then he flew to the little sapling,and pecked around on it for a minute.Then looked up at the 2 tall trees and said *Both y'all are wrong.That there is best piece of ash I ever stuck my pecker in*

mfinn · Dec 30, 2008

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in
Tuscaloosa. They would get together two or three times a
week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the
comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experi-
ment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear,
preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later,
they're all together to discuss the experience. Father
Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and
has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear.
And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and
began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as
gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheel chair, with
an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best
fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you
KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a
bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad
shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start.....'

NewBeeMommy1 · Dec 30, 2008

that was really funny

mfinn · Dec 30, 2008

Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call
one afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced.
"About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started
walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her."

"Just a minute," Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone
the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone
book. Many people dial me by mistake."

"No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the
money we're making."

rarelyseriousb · Jan 4, 2009

bump for a good thread.

mfinn · Jan 4, 2009

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until
they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

AquaWorldPSC · Jan 4, 2009

mfinn said:
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until
they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

LOL!!!

pjr · Jan 4, 2009

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired (Accenture (formerly Anderson Consulting), experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"How so?"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." [/FONT]

Kate · Jan 7, 2009

An elderly man in his nineties, went to his family doctor! He was complaining of severe pain, in his private area! The doctor, did his examination, and came to the conclusion,that the man had burned himself! Trying to be gentle with him, he delicately asked the senile old man,how he hurt himself. The man replied.
Well doctor, you told me to not drink so much caffeine, so I switched to decaffinated tea, and the instructions on the side of the box said to, "dunk bag into boiling water"
:snicker:

igot2gats · Jan 7, 2009

A man & woman were at church going through their wedding rehearsal for the next day. During a break in the action, the future husband pulled the priest over to the side & said, "tomorrow when we are saying our vows, can you omit "in good times and in bad?" The man slipped the priest a $100 bill. The priest said, "ok, no problem."

The next day during the wedding when the couple were saying the vows, the priest had said for the husband to repeat: "I will serve you at your beckon call, give you breakfast in bed every day, and will obey every wish you have." The man started to become very embarrassed and leaned over to the priest to ask him a question: "I thought we had a deal?"

The priest replied, "we did, but your wife had a better deal."

Nate82 · Jan 7, 2009

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a
>>>> blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
>>>> truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
>>>> window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
>>>> are losing some of your load!"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
>>>> When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
>>>> catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
>>>> knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
>>>> "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
>>>> losing some of your load!"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
>>>> continues down the street. At the third red light, the same
>>>> thing happens again.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
>>>> knocks on the truck door.
>>>> The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my
>>>> name is Heather, and you are
>>>> losing some of your load!"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
>>>> the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
>>>> out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
>>>> her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and
>>>> I'm driving the f--'n SALT TRUCK......."