I am so sorry for your loss, may she be at peace now.. I think she would want you to keep up the tank, being that she let you knock down a wall for the incredible ingenious build! Keep your head up, yor Angel is watching over you and the tank!
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A couple of days ago an incident happened, and it had nothing to do with Kelly’s dying yet it brought about such great sadness that I lost it for a little while. The pain, the loss, the sorrow, etched so deeply on my broken heart, it has become part of this life I now live. The grief is an added extension that stays without invitation. It's hard, so very hard to accept that it will always be there, hiding at times, waiting to jump out and take my breath away without a moment’s notice. It used to be a startled surprise, now it is expected. I never know when or what will set it off.
Sometimes, the event is not even related to my actual grief. The rawness of the pain was like it was new all over again. I know there will be times like that, when they happen they swamp me so completely that I lose all the progress I have made toward learning to live with my grief. I lose all my baby steps, stumbling strides, and acceptance. Everything crashes for a time. During this time of darkness, I despair. I feel I have fooled myself into believing I am making progress. That it is all an illusion, wishful thinking. I haven't fooled myself, I am being human. Each time I fall, I get up a little quicker, and become a little stronger.
Kelly has been gone twenty-one months, not years but months. She was here a second ago, how can so much time have passed? There will forever be days or moments when the sorrow over-rides everything else. They don't last as long or come as often, but they will be part of me until I die. To say I miss her is an understatement. I can only use words that don't come close to what I feel every day. I use words that have a watered down meaning to what grief really is. So much changed and so much has remained the same, it becomes confusing at times. I look at her picture and accept that she is lost to me for now and then look at it later and stare in disbelief that she is gone. The war my emotions inflict on me is constant and unrelenting. The time of complete darkness without end has passed, but still I live in grayness, the darkness returning at its own whim. Colors return and become shockingly brilliant after so much dimness.
Grief narrows our life down to simplicity. What was once important is no longer a priority. Nature, natural things, are more desirable than what I once wanted in my life. It is a sadness that it takes death, the depth of death, to change my way of seeing the world. My family and friends have thinned out. Some by my choice, others by theirs and I find that it does not bother me now. At first, it was painful, later I saw the necessity. Life becomes simpler because of this weeding out process. A process I did not ask for nor want, but have no choice but to accept and forget it. It is not worth the pain, I’ve had enough of that already.
I have heard people say it would seem to them that you would hold those you love closer after losing one you love so much. That is not how it works. We sometimes distant ourselves from that love out of fear of more pain. Only after time has passed do you start to hold others close again. Grief opens your eyes to who you want to be around and whom you don't. It is true that no matter how much you loved someone before grief, you may not love after loss. Part of that is because of how they treat you during your darkest days, it cements your feelings toward them. Part of it is the change. You cannot force yourself to love if the love is not there. I need to stop beating myself up over something I have no control over. It is a tortured, winding road that I travel as I learn to live life all over again. If I carry guilt over every little thing whether it is in my control or not, I impede my ability to grow within my grief.
I still don't sleep much or eat right. It has become a learning process. I have to force myself to do many things that came naturally before. I have to learn to want to live and enjoy my life again even as I live with my sorrow. I have to stop the world from telling me where I should be on this road. It is an empty, featureless road without signs to tell me where the next emotion is, what the next step is. Or if there are ones who will cause me emotional harm, I need to learn to step away without guilt. Sometimes, there is just too much going on and it becomes overwhelming. This is when I step back into total darkness for a little while if only to get away from the demands of an uncaring world. I cannot stay there, I need to reach for my own light and find my joy. With love, from a forever husband.
Serious?...nice build and great idea
Best of luck to you and your wife. May she recover and heal quickly!!!
Fish tank can wait
jdpiii3, I want to apologize for my last post. I didnt realize this was a post with such history and hadnt read all the events up to this point. I sincerely apologize for my insensitivity. I too am grieving -I lost my mother, this past Christmas day- and realizing my error this morning really shook me with horror and soulful regret.
My deepest condolences o you and your family and again please accept my sincere heartfelt apology