Anxiety, PTSD, and aquariums

[Iona Skye]

Mental health. It's taboo in a lot of circles but a big part of life for many.

Recently I have had to give up my fish. But then I had an idea - I downsized to a cute little biocube and gave it to my mom. Mom knows nothing about aquatics, but she's lonely and loves my fish and could really benefit from having little creatures to care for and watch over. So far, she LOVES the tank, like, as much as I do!

I took her on a few outings to fish stores to show her around. She absolutely loved it, asking constantly about the fish and nems and corals and rocks. It really seemed like she might get into the hobby and enjoy it.

But then, I was reminded about the fragility of her mental health when I got a call from her. She was panicked - said the heater wasn't working and the water level was too low. She was in tears, kept apologizing and asking if she should shut everything down. I calmly instructed her to unplug the heater and the pump, and luckily since I'm still fairly local I was able to pop over to her house and check things out.

Everything was fine. Heater worked, water level was fine. Poor thing had a panic attack, triggered by a misperception that the water felt cold.

She recovered, and cried a bit more, and stopped apologizing. We talked about putting worst case scenario in perspective and pointed out what she did well. I taught her some more about how the system works, and bought a little thermometer to sick on the side of the tank. Pulling one's self out of a panic attack is very difficult and tiring, and she did very well. But she was so unsettled.... Any scrap of confidence she had gained was now nowhere to be found in a vicious sea of "what ifs".

Whether she keeps the tank is up to her - I said if she is enjoying learning about it, I'd help her create a happy peaceful community of fish that was simple to feed and care for, and we'd hire someone to come in and help with maintenance until she felt confident. Or, if for any reason she wasn't happy, I'd help her re-home all the fish and that would be totally okay.

What do I do from here? On one hand, she is learning how to manage her mental health, she's interested in something new and exciting, she lives alone and has almost no friends and this might be something to do and get her out of the house.

On the other hand, a lot of random things could go wrong with a closed system... And although I have tried to prep her and help her accept that potential outcome, that would still be devastating.

What do you guys think? Am I doing the right thing here? Is this a bridge to healing into her life, or just a disaster waiting to happen? Or both?

 

[TheFishLady]

For me, setting up a tank at my mom's house ended in disaster. She didn't have the patience or motivation to research things before going into panic mode. In the beginning, it was something we bonded over, and I really think she enjoyed it and learned a lot, but when it came to maintenance, she was overwhelmed, and almost afraid of, the equipment (it was a very basic setup). I live almost two hours away, so it wasn't easy for me to stop by and check on things, but maybe hiring a maintenance company would have been a good solution. After about a year, she was so stressed that she was failing with the tank, even though it was completely normal things (she freaked out about having "bugs" (pods) in her sump). I think it would have been easier for her if I lived closer, but at a distance, it only ended up straining our relationship.

I hope you have a better time with your mom's tank! I would definitely recommend hiring a maintenance company, so you have extra support through the not-so-fun parts of the hobby.

 

[Iona Skye]

For me, setting up a tank at my mom's house ended in disaster. She didn't have the patience or motivation to research things before going into panic mode. In the beginning, it was something we bonded over, and I really think she enjoyed it and learned a lot, but when it came to maintenance, she was overwhelmed, and almost afraid of, the equipment (it was a very basic setup). I live almost two hours away, so it wasn't easy for me to stop by and check on things, but maybe hiring a maintenance company would have been a good solution. After about a year, she was so stressed that she was failing with the tank, even though it was completely normal things (she freaked out about having "bugs" (pods) in her sump). I think it would have been easier for her if I lived closer, but at a distance, it only ended up straining our relationship.

I hope you have a better time with your mom's tank! I would definitely recommend hiring a maintenance company, so you have extra support through the not-so-fun parts of the hobby.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I'm moving to the other side of the country soon and I'm afraid of the same thing happening...

 

[reefwiser]

Animals are a great comfort to anyone especially those with mental health issues. Having your mother care for the tank might not be the best thing thou as their are days when it will be all she can do to get out of bed herself.
Maybe a cat or a dog would be a better choice. My tank is a stress release for me as it gives me something to think about other than work problems and my wife's health issues.

 

[Js.Aqua.Project]

I don't have an exact situation to relate with but I do have something similar.

My mother-in-law has lived alone the last (almost) 6 years and in that time she has developed the ability to become extremely anxious/stressed over very little and trivial things. But when she comes to visit (which results in her staying on the couch unfortunately) she calms down because of the time she spends watching our aquariums. They seem to have a very relaxing effect, but she doesn't maintain them.

If you can, I would find a way to maintain her tank for her and just let her feed, watch, and enjoy the tank without stressing. I am sure she would also appreciate the extra bonding time.

Also, maybe get her a magnetic thermometer so she can see the temp.

 

[Iona Skye]

I don't have an exact situation to relate with but I do have something similar.

My mother-in-law has lived alone the last (almost) 6 years and in that time she has developed the ability to become extremely anxious/stressed over very little and trivial things. But when she comes to visit (which results in her staying on the couch unfortunately) she calms down because of the time she spends watching our aquariums. They seem to have a very relaxing effect, but she doesn't maintain them.

If you can, I would find a way to maintain her tank for her and just let her feed, watch, and enjoy the tank without stressing. I am sure she would also appreciate the extra bonding time.

Also, maybe get her a magnetic thermometer so she can see the temp.

Thanks, and yeah I got one of those stickers. I think you're right.... I'm getting my favorite lfs to come in every 3 weeks or so for water changes and maintainence. Just going to try to set everything up as best I can and fork out the cash for someone to keep it up. It's worth it.

I'm glad to hear that your mother-in-law benefits so much from your aquarium. I've seen a similar effect on my mom; she's all set up with a two chairs next to the fish - one on either side of the tank [emoji39] (which is why I don't want to take it away.)

 

[Katrina71]

Draw her water line on the side of the tank.

 

[Iona Skye]

Draw her water line on the side of the tank.

Haha, she has one but she didn't remember that it was there!

But yeah, good advice. [emoji4]

 

[JDtimk]

If you mother is in treatment for her mental health issues, maybe you could ask her if you could mention your goal of helping her via the fish tank to her therapist. It's possible that her therapist might be able to use the fish tank in their treatment goals and since it is something that positively motivates your mother, it might actually be beneficial as a focal point in her work in treatment.

The therapist would be able to let you know if the balance of pros and cons to have responsibility/stress and reward in fish keeping fits into or is appropriate for your mother's particular challenges as she works on her mental health. It's worth asking and you might be able to get some feedback on how or if your plan could benefit your mother's overall well being or if it is likely to lead to stress and exacerbation of her mental health symptoms.

 

[Iona Skye]

If you mother is in treatment for her mental health issues, maybe you could ask her if you could mention your goal of helping her via the fish tank to her therapist. It's possible that her therapist might be able to use the fish tank in their treatment goals and since it is something that positively motivates your mother, it might actually be beneficial as a focal point in her work in treatment.

The therapist would be able to let you know if the balance of pros and cons to have responsibility/stress and reward in fish keeping fits into or is appropriate for your mother's particular challenges as she works on her mental health. It's worth asking and you might be able to get some feedback on how or if your plan could benefit your mother's overall well being or if it is likely to lead to stress and exacerbation of her mental health symptoms.

Thanks, good advice. I don't have access to her doctors and health care professionals, but I will ask her if she wants to bring it up in sessions to help her come to a decision on whether or not to keep it. Mom and I respect each other's boundaries, which has been really healthy for our relationship, but that also means I'm not very involved in many aspects of the her life (and vice versa).

Very thoughtful, thank you. I can tell you know what you're talking about and I appreciate your realistic view on how to help the person at the root of the issue.

 

[don_chuwish]

I can see it easily going either way really fast - helpful if they develop a passion for it and benefit from watching the tank, but disastrous if even one fatality sends them into a spiral. We all lose fish & inverts no matter how good we are. If they understand that will be part of it and can cope when it happens then great! And yeah, shield them from the maintenance unless it's something they really take to.

 

[norfolkgarden]

Stick with a cat or dog if maintenance is an issue.

Or pay for Premier service and let her simply feed them.
Lol, Make sure she is feeding the best foods possible and have it delivered to her door.

Anyone can feed a cat or dog. They are very responsive to people.

Better Half nearly drove me insane with the simple maintenance of a hot tub.
I was finally able to dump it on him after 2 years.
Still little or no recognition of the interdependence of certain readings.
[emoji53]

Just grateful Leslie's pools does free testing and I only have to make an occasional suggestion.

Some people just have natural blind spots and avoiding those is safer than highlighting them if things like anxiety are a serious concern.

A wyze camera is $30. If she has internet they are an awesome spot check for anything obvious.
Just make sure it only covers the tank area.
They are idiot proof. (I set ours up. [emoji6])

Lol, and she could lay it face down until you need it if she considers privacy an issue.
[emoji846]

Heavy blues right now.