Bad Luck - Is it a gene?

[BackToTheReef]

So I am a Murphy's Law magnet (which is why I TRY to plan to an obsessive level) but figured it was just me. Lately, I think my kid inherited it from me though!

Since I was passing near her campus today I decided to take her to lunch ad get the low down on how the first couple weeks on campus were going. Figured all would be good since it's her 2nd year and she pretty much figured out the comings and goings last year (minus the covid craziness).

Well she told me there were a few times she didn't eat for a couple days in a row b/c she didn't feel comfortable going to the dining hall anymore. Apparently she was either followed or flagged down by a group of guys in a car who appeared to be up to no good 3 to 4 times since being on campus. My first words were "Do you know where the blue buttons are? Call the cops, do you have campus security and the escort service numbers in your phone?"

There are only a couple blue emergency buttons on the whole campus and located in areas that aren't really what I would say would be high risk (well lit areas by busy buildings and high traffic areas...by all means needed there as well but how about the dimly lit paths and side walks on the way back to her dorm building and the one across the street that are kind of tucked "out of the way"???)

Venting and trying to figure out what I am going to say the campus police when I send them a note after I find contact info.

(Murphy's Law example - After one of my lovely neighbors creased the door of my car with theirs last week, it looks like the same neighbor hit my car in the last 24 - 48 hours just enough to scuff the hell out of it...)

 

[ichthyogeek]

So...like the TV show? More seriously, it sucks that that crap is happening to her, especially as somebody who's personally had to deal with the....[insert long list of expletives here]...of campus policies regarding creeps. I recommend the following for her:

Video record. Video record. VIDEO RECORD. If she can get a license plate, or even picture of the car, that's something she can actually forward to campus safety. Oh, and make sure there are copies of the recording. If possible, start recording on her phone before she walks out of the dorm room, and then she can end recording after she's gotten to her destination. I've done it before especially when the [insert expletive here] came to campus and I didn't feel safe with him around.
Pepper Spray if they try anything physical and there's distance.
SING (it actually truly works, although personally I'd go for the groin first), if they're super close in. Eye gouging as well.
Pretending to be on a phone call (or actually being on a phone call), since it worked for somebody I know.
Travel in packs, and let her close friends know what's going on. There should be a residential assistant (RA) or even residential fellow(RF) or somebody who should be able to set aside the time to help your daughter get to the dining hall. They're paid to deal with student problems. This is a problem. They should deal with it.

For you:
Is there a parental facebook group for students at the college? Depending on the influence of parents (which can be alumni) on the college in question, you could potentially successfully lobby for more blue boxes, better lighting, and other factors that will help prevent her (and also other people) from dealing with stuff like that. Bonus points if you can get a donor to help you out (schools bend over backwards for the super rich donors).

If something does happen:
Police first, Title IX office second (or like, never). Title IX can and will screw over survivors. The recent policy changes only exacerbated an already large problem. None of the other survivors I've met who have gone through Title IX have been happy with the process, which usually involves victim shaming, long wait times, and outright lying to the survivors of what can and cannot be investigated. Some of the more [insert expletive here] claims have been "it didn't happen on campus!" "we can't investigate anything that's not physical/sexual!" and so on and so forth.

Jeanne Clery Act. Depending on the school she goes to, if something happens, they're obligated to tell the rest of the student body.

For you (and other family members), brush up on some of the more common therapy techniques (CBT, DBT, and EMDR have worked fairly well for me), and how therapy actually works. Maybe she won't get PTSD/depression/anxiety/whatever if something happens. Maybe she will. But a lot of the [expletive] I've had to deal with has had to do with family/close people not understanding the process of healing/recovering and making things worse.

Regarding police: I don't agree with a lot of the policies they have. Or a lot of the institutionalism that's happened. And a lot of the time they do a lot less than you'd expect them to do. Especially in regards to harassment/assault/abuse. But a police report can hold a lot of value in court, which is supposed to be fair.

 

[ichthyogeek]

I do get the thinking about Murphy's law happening though. Something happened to each of my siblings (and me) during junior year of college. I've detailed what happened to me. And lo and behold, what happens during my little sister's junior year? A pandemic.

 

[BackToTheReef]

So...like the TV show? More seriously, it sucks that that crap is happening to her, especially as somebody who's personally had to deal with the....[insert long list of expletives here]...of campus policies regarding creeps. I recommend the following for her:

Video record. Video record. VIDEO RECORD. If she can get a license plate, or even picture of the car, that's something she can actually forward to campus safety. Oh, and make sure there are copies of the recording.
Pepper Spray if they try anything physical and there's distance.
SING (it actually truly works, although personally I'd go for the groin first), if they're super close in. Eye gouging as well.
Pretending to be on a phone call (or actually being on a phone call), since it worked for somebody I know.
Travel in packs, and let her close friends know what's going on. There should be a residential assistant (RA) or even residential fellow(RF) or somebody who should be able to set aside the time to help your daughter get to the dining hall. They're paid to deal with student problems. This is a problem. They should deal with it.

For you:
Is there a parental facebook group for students at the college? Depending on the influence of parents (which can be alumni) on the college in question, you could potentially successfully lobby for more blue boxes, better lighting, and other factors that will help prevent her (and also other people) from dealing with stuff like that. Bonus points if you can get a donor to help you out (schools bend over backwards for the super rich donors).

If something does happen:
Police first, Title IX office second (or like, never). Title IX can and will screw over survivors. The recent policy changes only exacerbated an already large problem. None of the other survivors I've met who have gone through Title IX have been happy with the process, which usually involves victim shaming, long wait times, and outright lying to the survivors of what can and cannot be investigated. Some of the more [insert expletive here] claims have been "it didn't happen on campus!" "we can't investigate anything that's not physical/sexual!" and so on and so forth.

Jeanne Clery Act. Depending on the school she goes to, if something happens, they're obligated to tell the rest of the student body.

For you (and other family members), brush up on some of the more common therapy techniques (CBT, DBT, and EMDR have worked fairly well for me), and how therapy actually works. Maybe she won't get PTSD/depression/anxiety/whatever if something happens. Maybe she will. But a lot of the [expletive] I've had to deal with has had to do with family/close people not understanding the process of healing/recovering and making things worse.

Regarding police: I don't agree with a lot of the policies they have. Or a lot of the institutionalism that's happened. And a lot of the time they do a lot less than you'd expect them to do. Especially in regards to harassment/assault/abuse. But a police report can hold a lot of value in court, which is supposed to be fair.

Thank you for the advice. Crossing fingers nothing comes of it, for my daughter or anyone elses!

First thing I did when I got home was fill out the "report a safety concern" form to campus security and just got a response. I asked if they could increase foot patrols and vehicle patrols in the area and he at least said they would. I'm in the parental fb group and figuring out what/if anything to post there.

 

[BackToTheReef]

I got side tracked and forgot to mention the less serious stuff she's experienced!

Apparently her dorm was a nursing home the school purchased and converted a few years ago. I guess the rooms still smell like old people and the air coming out of the vets smells like grandmas house. The AC doesn't work, can't control the temp from their room, and their is no hot water. The water has also been shut off a couple times for repairs this year already.

Feel guilty, this is the 2nd vent/frustration thread I've had in two days. I've got reef related stuff I want to ask but just not in the mood.

 

[HuduVudu]

I used to have terrible luck and it seems like the more I tried to work through it and deal with it the worse it got. I lamented many times as to how this was happening to me. I saw my wife and it seemed like she waltzed through the land mines constantly. My palm was permanently affixed to my forehead and my foot was permanently stuck in my mouth because no matter what I said to her that could go wrong, nothing seriously ever did. I know that if it was me, I would have suffered immensely for the things she did. I guess I just accepted that it was my lot in life. :(

But then ... I figured out something. This is embarrassingly religious, and I am really not a religious person, but I guess you could say I found God. It wasn't really like some great light in the clouds moment, more like ohhh touch fire get burned moment. Here is how I see it now, life is like a river. It flows in a direction. You don't know where that direction is going or much more beyond the very near future and past. If you just accept the direction and stop swimming against the current then the bad luck literally goes away, and things get eerily easy. When I first started doing this, I freaked out because things are supposed to be hard and you have work hard constantly. The moment I started to go back into that thinking then it was a self fulfilling prophesy. Things got hard, bad luck was everywhere and things got immediately difficult. Let go again and let the river take me to wherever then things got easy good luck started to come back again.

I have had many years with this new thinking and I have come to accept the things in my life that are supposed to be, and ignore/reject things that don't belong. The stupidest part for me is that I really wanted all along the things that where being given to me i.e. the direction that the river flows. Now I causally float along enjoying the scenery.

I dunno maybe that can help you :)