Significant others and the reefing hobby

[Joshua Kerstetter]

My wife loves it, and so does the kids. She has absolutely no idea how to really take care of the tank but she's in the 'here hold this' category of help. She can grab towels, hold glue, that's about it. I tell frequently poeple about how she helped me 'drip acclimate' a batch of fish and inverts with room temperature tap water, that was awesome....

 

[Paul B]

I am married for 45 years and I had a tank before I met my wife so she knew I would always have a tank. It went through children and Grand Children and is still going.

 

[User1]

Five years ago I promised my wife an aquarium as a Christmas gift because she has a Ph.D in fish behavior and currently works as a biologist (not related to fish). After a lot of research I learned that there's a lot to maintaining a proper reef aquarium, so I put it off for several years. But last year when I retired I finally had the time to devote to doing it right, so I ordered the aquarium and started on my reefing adventure. Now it's my obsession and she hardly pays attention to it.

Today after adding some new corals, I asked her if she could guess which ones were new. She looked over the tank, and pointed to the duncan (which has been in the tank for over 10 months), then pointed to the purple stylophora (which we've had for at least 6 months). I finally pointed out the new ones and she shrugged. I then asked "OK, which corals are your LEAST favorite". She pointed to the scoly in the front and said "It just looks fake. Those colors don't really look natural." This is what she was pointing to:



I'm just curious how many of you are in the situation where your significant other just isn't interested in your tank, or even seems to dislike the corals that you really like?

I just find it ironically funny that I'm so into something that I set up with her in mind, yet she doesn't care about it in the least.

Your better half is correct, it does look fake. She probably knows that same coral looks nothing like that in the wild if you both passed over it while scuba diving. Not to say you are wrong for finding it attractive, colorful, or anything else for that matter - corals like this are similar to art and we know that is in the eye of the beholder, etc, etc, etc. So I mean no disrespect nor judging.

My better half doesn't really mind any of the hobbies I have had over the years. RC air planes, scuba diving, HPED/Cars, etc. Her main issue has always been you better be safe and be able to walk away both physically and financially. She has her hobbies and is a avid wine collector / drinker. After a night out with family and a couple of nice bottles of wine later I've sat back and said there goes a Gem Tang. Not that I want one but it isn't uncommon for her to bring a nice bottle or two to share and enjoy over a nice dinner occasionally.

The trick though after 30 plus years is to find a balance of hobby, social, and couple time. The couple time be it lunch, date night, game, etc is what allows the hobby time to work. Can't live in the garage and the other in another room and not interact and have a successful relationship. Or at least not for us. So hobbies are fine as long as there is balance.

 

[User1]

I am married for 45 years and I had a tank before I met my wife so she knew I would always have a tank. It went through children and Grand Children and is still going.

I always enjoy it when my niece brings her young children over on our family nights because her two youngsters want to visit the tank. They ask their mom, she looks at me, and I'm of course - collect both of them up in each arm and off to the den we go. They get a kick out of, ask to feed, etc. Always rewarding when they ask to spend time in there.

 

[Philipgonzales3]

My fiancee "tolerates" my tank as well. Like another poster posted she likes that I like it. She will glance at the tank every once in a while. I bought some watermelon Zoa's to try to impress her since my daughter's baby shower was watermelon themed and she said they're pretty but she still didn't care that much. She's a hairstylist and she told me just the way I don't really care about hair, that's the way she doesn't really care about my tank.

I first noticed she was not into tanks when we got two red ear sliders about 5 years ago. She said she "loves" turtles. She even collects porcelain turtles and has a turtle tattooed on her body. Well when we got the turtles they were sold to us in this little half gallon plastic death box. I've always been known for googling EVERYTHING. If you thought it, I've googled it at one point or another haha. I was googling stuff before Google was even a verb. Before people had internet on their phone. So shortly after getting the two turtles I read that a turtle needs 10 gallons of water for every inch that it's shell is long. So adult turtles need 120 gallon, probably even bigger for two! Went and bought a 20 Long, then upgraded to a 55 gallon. Then I wanted fish so got a 40 gallon breeder for the turtles and got some African cichlids. Did I mention to you that a few days in, by the time the 20 long was set up, she was no longer interested in turtles. Turns out she likes the idea of turtles a heck of a lot more than the turtles themselves.

I was buying large canister filters packed full of media, doing weekly water changes, raising cichlids fry. We had 3 tanks in a 10' x 10' foot room in my mom's house. When we moved she told me that the tanks couldn't come. We gave away all the livestock to our LFS (didn't ask for a dime, just wanted them to go to a good home), sold the 40 breeder and stashed the other two tanks.

I basically went off the deep end as she was concerned, and she made me give up the tanks. I didn't mind that much as our uncertain future was more important than a few fish tanks, no matter how much I liked them. I sold my 2 grand in DSLR gear to buy stove and fridge. Got a few hundred bucks for something I had spent like 3K on six months before. I don't remember the exact values but it was something like that.

So fast forward about 5 years, a bachelor's degree, a daughter, a cat and dog, 2 new cars, etc...

That brings us up to about six months ago. Me and my daughter were on a tanked binge. I decided to Google. "How hard is it to keep a saltwater aquarium" and "saltwater vs freshwater aquarium" etc... I casually asked my fiancee if I could get an aquarium (showing her a picture of a 28 gallon). Too my surprise she said do what makes you happy. Which is code for go ahead but I'm low key going to not like it lol.

I of course pulled a switcheroo and got my SCA 50 gallon PNP with sump. I tell her it's basically the same size as a 28 and the stand is more sturdy. Can't have something that is flimsy around the baby.

We then decided to get our son a beta fish. I quickly pulled the switacharoo on her again. I told her well why don't we let him pick. And let's get him something a little bigger as far as the tank goes. So we got him a 15 gallon Fluval flex and no beta fish. I told her beta fish were lame and boring lol.

So I told her I want to get a large in wall aquarium if I do well with this one. She told me to do what makes me happy. It definetly helps that I'm the breadwinner. Sometimes I tell her how much I spent on an item and she just rolls her eyes. She is very thrifty and I always have to have the best of everything. Haha. We are looking to buy a nice house and surprisingly she is thinking about the new tank before me. She's like it can go in this wall right here. And I'm just like umm I'm not that worried about it, we can't afford it at this point lol.

She doesn't like how much time I spend with the tank. I constantly am wiping down the glass, changing out filter socks, feeding, little projects like adding the lid and organizing the wires and blah blah blah. After I got my car I washed it every weekend and she was legit jealous of my car but I can't really blame her. It's all I would talk about. So my attention has shifted from my car to my tanks. I don't think anything's changing anytime soon though. When I get into something I dive super deep into it. Just my personality really.

Anyway...sorry for the life story haha.

 

[Troy V]

To be quite honest I am grateful my wife isn't into the hobby. After 25 years of both marriage and hobby, I can't imagine how much money we would spend and potential disagreements if we had his and her tanks, and heaven forbid we shared a tank. Plus I don't watch TV, she does, so we have a TV room and my aquarium room. I need my time alone and I find reefkeeping invaluable when it comes to stress relief after a long day. In fact there is a direct coral-lation (my word) between a stressful period at work and a clean tank at home.

 

[chizer]

My fiance is moderately into our tank. She doesn't know all the maintenance routine but we always visit the lfs or pick out coral/fish together. It's more that we have fun together doing most anything.

 

[vetteguy53081]

Nice looking setup. Having a partner whether it be wife, or in my case child (daughter) involved is supportive for enjoyment, selection and participation.

 

[Gonzo74]

My wife got me my tank after being out of the hobby for a while due to military deployments. She likes looking at it and gives opinions on where to place things, however, she does not care much for the husbandry portion. Even got us a couch that sits in front of the tank for us to sit and watch.

As for spending money, she does not appreciate how much the hobby costs. We made a deal, I get a $150 a month base allowance, if I want more, I have to put miles in. $5 for each mile I run. She’s just trying to keep me healthy.

If I’m Down, depressed, or sick, she says”let’s go to the LFS and pick something out”.

My 8 year old daughter is a different story. She knows how to text parameters and is always itching to do it again. I can’t keep her away from husbandry.

 

[DibsOnMcRibs]

My girlfriend got hooked on aquariums about 7 years ago when we had African cichlids breed in our 120.

Now that we’ve converted to reefkeeping, she’s all in. She has her own nano reef with a flower pot garden that probably looks better than anything im my reef.

The only problem is that I spend significantly more at the reef store now that she’s trying to talk me into purchases.

 

[Ferrell]

I keep fish. She watches and helps when I need her to.

It has worked for 37 years.

+1 but only 33 years

 

[Darksidereefer]

Just to chime in. My wife actually bought me my first tank. A 72 gallon bow, then my sump and pumps. I thought this would have been a ride we took together but then the reef addiction hit. I've upgraded twice most recently to a red sea 750 xxl. She's ready to kill me, but the saving grace is my kids love it also. This is a hobby then can get out of hand and quickly.

But one thing that holds true your passions aren't always theirs. Be smart about your purchases, take care of them before a big one and try to get them involved even if just a little. On my new build I'm asking for her to pick some fish maybe a coral or two, this way she will have some stock in the tank. My kids are psyched and honestly that's the best. Passing it on to the next generation.

"Stay reefing my friends" darkside reefer out!