Adopting

Raymark

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I’m an AP. My best suggestions are to join the FB group Parenting with Connection. Read The Whole Brain Child, Love Me Feed Me, and The Connected Child. There are a lot of Karyn Purvis videos available on YouTube (highly recommended).
The safety recommendations you’re learning about through your homestudy process are actually a minimum standard. Regardless of age at time of adoption, losing ones first family is horrifically traumatic. Being adopted adds another layer of trauma (it closes the door to the dream of having a happily ever after where the child first belonged & deserved to have an amazing childhood).
The best advice that was given to me was this: realize you are not & never were your adopted child’s plan A, B, C, or D. Plan A was a happily ever after with their first family, plan B would be biological relatives, plan C would be a close family friend, plan D would be beautiful/wealthy/fun celebrity or royal adoptive parents. You are likely causing your new child to lose friends, change trusted teachers, & leave a familiar neighborhood. You may be causing your child to leave their culture and miss out on growing up understanding their own culture.
 

Raymark

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We are born into a family. But being chosen to be part of a family is very special. I love the idea of gotcha day.
The majority of adult adoptees do not like ‘gotcha day’. It’s insensitive considering what adoptees actually go through.
 

Raymark

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As a related thought - I encourage you to celebrate the day she becomes part of your forever family (aka “Gotcha Day”) just like you will celebrate her birthday - cake, presents, party, special dinner, or whatever she would like.
Please don’t call it gotcha day or force celebrating it. Many adoptees are sad on that day as it signifies the end of their dream to return to a happily ever after with their first family. Adoption is beautiful & traumatic. Many adoptees have stated the word ‘gotcha’ makes them think of having been taken. Children rarely have a choice concerning who adopted them & faced great loss & changes through the transition. Most prefer to simply call it Family Day. As children mature & process different feelings they may wish to celebrate a family day some years & then not on others.
 

Peace River

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Although I disagree with your presentation, I am glad that you are passionate about adoption and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
 
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Bulldog07

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This is so wonderful! Congratulations! You and your family are a blessing.

Our friends are trying to adopt through foster care. They have a long way to go, but seeing stories like this definitely are encouraging.
This process is no joke, and we aren't even done. I truly hope your friends stick with it to the end and find the kid(s) they are looking for to fill their family! Congrats to them also, and if they need support or have questions that I might be able to help with, let me know.
 
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Bulldog07

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We are born into a family. But being chosen to be part of a family is very special. I love the idea of gotcha day.
The whole time my wife and I have been very open with her about our part in this process and what role she has also. We have been very straight forward about making sure she has a say in whether or not we are her forever family also. So far, our family has very much chosen each other.
 
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Bulldog07

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Please don’t call it gotcha day or force celebrating it. Many adoptees are sad on that day as it signifies the end of their dream to return to a happily ever after with their first family. Adoption is beautiful & traumatic. Many adoptees have stated the word ‘gotcha’ makes them think of having been taken. Children rarely have a choice concerning who adopted them & faced great loss & changes through the transition. Most prefer to simply call it Family Day. As children mature & process different feelings they may wish to celebrate a family day some years & then not on others.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I obviously can't and won't get into specific details about our situation, but our daughter's trauma was such that she is aware she cannot go back with bio parents, nor does she want to. In her case we have done everything we can to make sure she knows she has a choice in choosing us too. We have not really thought about what we would call any kind of specific celebration. She is just happy to be moving in full time and we are happy to not be taking her back to foster care every Sunday night. We plan on keeping contact with her current foster family as they have a great relationship. She wanted to celebrate being with us full time, so that's what we are planning on doing. Come next June or July when we are able to finalize, if she wants to celebrate, we will do that too. Rest assured we do not force anything when it comes to this whole process.
 
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Bulldog07

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I’m an AP. My best suggestions are to join the FB group Parenting with Connection. Read The Whole Brain Child, Love Me Feed Me, and The Connected Child. There are a lot of Karyn Purvis videos available on YouTube (highly recommended).
The safety recommendations you’re learning about through your homestudy process are actually a minimum standard. Regardless of age at time of adoption, losing ones first family is horrifically traumatic. Being adopted adds another layer of trauma (it closes the door to the dream of having a happily ever after where the child first belonged & deserved to have an amazing childhood).
The best advice that was given to me was this: realize you are not & never were your adopted child’s plan A, B, C, or D. Plan A was a happily ever after with their first family, plan B would be biological relatives, plan C would be a close family friend, plan D would be beautiful/wealthy/fun celebrity or royal adoptive parents. You are likely causing your new child to lose friends, change trusted teachers, & leave a familiar neighborhood. You may be causing your child to leave their culture and miss out on growing up understanding their own culture.
You are absolutely correct. I have actually read 2 of the three recommendations already. As for the safety precautions, I am very aware. As expected, there have been several lifestyle, home, perception and self realization changes that have occurred in just the last three weeks. I don't anticipate that slowing down any. As I am not on Facebook, I can't join. I do know, however, my very socially active wife is on several Facebook groups. I'm not sure if that is one or not, but I will pass it along.
 
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Bulldog07

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The majority of adult adoptees do not like ‘gotcha day’. It’s insensitive considering what adoptees actually go through.
We have no intention of calling it much of anything, nor do we intend to force a celebration. We have tried to stay very open with our future daughter about the whole process being something that she is not only ok with, but also something she wants. If she does not want this to be a celebration, by no means will it be. Given her current situation, personality and love of cake, I'm guessing we are going to be celebrating every little achievement, first, and family event she can think of, and I'm looking forward to each and every one.
 
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Raymark

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Your family sounds amazing & I'm so glad you & your new daughter found each other :) I wish I was more aware or had better training when I started the process several years ago. It’s refreshing to meet new families like yours! I wish you all the best.
 
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Bulldog07

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Your family sounds amazing & I'm so glad you & your new daughter found each other :) I wish I was more aware or had better training when I started the process several years ago. It’s refreshing to meet new families like yours! I wish you all the best.
Thank you! We kind of view it more as she is just a missing piece and we finally found her. Just like parenting any kid, it's a learning process. We feel blessed to have the opportunity, and always love to hear from voices of experience like yours!
 

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