Help convincing hubby to up budget

[scriptmonkey]

Did you try asking him nicely? Before you do the sex, money and power stuff to him.
That always worked on me.

Ok let's not get crazy... next thing you are going to suggest is we actually talk regularly.

Of course I have been divorced once so maybe I am not the best to take advice from.

 

[Mariette]

Did you try asking him nicely? Before you do the sex, money and power stuff to him.
That always worked on me.

Yes. Yes I did. He agreed to an upgrade. One that I could be happy with. A compromise. Then our tank crashed and now he’s kinda gun shy.

 

[Mariette]

Hi and thanks for sharing my tank progression. I had the same problem with my wife, so when I decided that its time to get the tank, I sent here with the kids to visit her parents. She returned to see a new large 180 gallon tank and in fornt of it flowers and a box of macaroons.

With time she started to like the tank.

So send your husband for a long vacation lol.

Oh wow. You’re brave. I would have torn you a new one lol. Lucky man

 

[Mariette]

Okay...I have a husband who does not like to spend money unless necessary. Now every marriage is different and every personality is different, but this is how it worked for me. And for god-sake do not withhold sex. Women have power these days and we have moved beyond that. Plus why punish yourself in this endeavor. ;)

1. He saw how much I loved working with my smaller tank and maintaining it. He made comments about how happy he was that I enjoyed the hobby.
2. When you are at the lfs together, casually drop a comment that you love tangs, but your tank is too small. Don't milk it or get dramatic. Just make a casual comment.
3. I taped an outline with painter's tape of the size tank I wanted on the wall where I wanted the new tank to sit -- exact size and dimensions and left it up for days (it was around the TV). I told him I was just seeing what it would look like. I even took a picture of it and texted it to him when I first did it.
4. I developed a budget and plan for how to save up to get the set up I wanted and talked about it constantly. I did not beg or ask. I just said that I really wanted this and that I was hoping it would eventually work.
5. My husband likes to feel useful and loves to "help" fix things, make things etc. I asked him if he had any suggestions for setting up electrical, plumbing etc, for a tank on a budget -- I was still going to do what I wanted, but I included him. He now thinks all of that stuff is his responsibility. He built my new RODI system/top off and has it running into our sprinkler system. He thinks it is his and he constantly maintains it because he likes to help. You mentioned your husband is an electrician -- perfect.
6. Eventually, he will say."You know...maybe we can make this work."

Keep in mind everything takes time in this hobby -- including upgrades. This is a slow process and it takes steps. If my husband came to me and told me that he wanted to spend thousands and something, I would hit the breaks too. It is something that needs to be eased into. When my husband told me he wanted much larger tires for his Samurai for off-roading, it sounded expensive. But he told me the reasons why. Time passed, and I bought them for him for Christmas. We spouses have to think expensive things over first and process the information.
Good luck! I can't wait for the build thread. :)

Awww what a sweet couple you 2 are! Great suggestions, thank you. And I love your optimism. Stay tuned ;)

 

[Mariette]

Bummer he has little interest :( My wife has little interest in the fine details like water parameters, and only mild interest in my automation schemes. However, she loves the aquariums, usually spending much more time watching or looking at night with a flashlight than I ever have. When we moved a few years ago we tore down an in-wall 180 and I decided it was finally time to give up the hobby, so we sold everything. It was only 6 months after moving I asked about getting an AIO and putting it in the breakfast room.

LOL, her quick response was "Yes! Can I get another hippo tang?". I told her it was too small for that, and three weeks later the custom 270g was on order :) I'm really lucky!!

Giving up a bathroom in a finished basement may be a hard sell. Is it too late to change the floorplan, or too close to complete now?

Your story is an inspiration. My husband was in on an upgrade until the tank crash that we’re still going fallow over. The whole turning point thing. Walk away, or great time to upgrade fork in the road. We went separate ways lol.

Basement is done. Only room left is what’s sketched in to be a bathroom. That room’s bare. No drywall even. Rest of basement is done.

 

[Mariette]

Ok let's not get crazy... next thing you are going to suggest is we actually talk regularly.

Of course I have been divorced once so maybe I am not the best to take advice from.

 

[Mariette]

Hahahaha

 

[ReefWithCare]

There really is no convincing. Just save up for it and be very upfront about the total cost and don’t try to hide it.

I was very upfront about costs and knew what we getting into. I also budgeted a QT system so I didn’t have to ask for other stuff as they came up.

 

[Mariette]

There really is no convincing. Just save up for it and be very upfront about the total cost and don’t try to hide it.

I was very upfront about costs and knew what we getting into. I also budgeted a QT system so I didn’t have to ask for other stuff as they came up.

Upfront you say? .... hmmmm

 

[Mariette]

UPDATE. Spoke to husband. He had concerns.

Issue #1: we’ve never had a sump and he was worried it would flood. WHAT?!? I explained the whole run the tank w no return pump and fill sump to whatever level it can handle from the overflow and problem solved! As a bonus, he was impressed at how knowledgeable I was and that I’d done more research that he thought. WHAT?!?

Issue #2: he doesn’t want to give up the downstairs bathroom. Ok. Fair enough. We don’t have to take it that far.

Issue #3: he doesn’t want to have to reinforce the floor. Okay. Maybe I don’t need a tank I can fit in...

Issue #4: cost. But wait. I tell him we don’t need Powerheads or heaters (we have plenty of extras). Even our light is sufficient for now (we can put corals on hold and add them slowly once new tank is established and stable). We have lots of extra substrate too. We can even put the skimmer on hold for the time being or buy a used one. All we need to get started is a tank, a stand, more live rock, plumbing, and a sump w fuge. And then he hits me with this: HE’S BEEN LOOKING ON KIJIJI and asks if I’d be willing to settle for a used system. WHAT!!! Who is this man?!? I ask him why and he says “I dunno. You’ve been talking about it for a while and it makes you happy, so ... why not?” WE’RE UPGRADING!!!

Thank you all so much for the comments and advice.

EEEEEEE IM SO EXCITED!!! Stay tuned for my build tread :)

 

[Salty Lemon]

And then he hits me with this: HE’S BEEN LOOKING ON KIJIJI and asks if I’d be willing to settle for a used system. WHAT!!! Who is this man?!? I ask him why and he says “I dunno. You’ve been talking about it for a while and it makes you happy, so ... why not?” WE’RE UPGRADING!!!

Thank you all so much for the comments and advice.

EEEEEEE IM SO EXCITED!!! Stay tuned for my build tread :)

I told you I was excited for that build thread. :-)

 

[Mariette]

I told you I was excited for that build thread. :)

Wooohoooo!!!!

 

[Crustaceon]

I rescued a lost hamster at work and took it home that night (fiancé is a registered vet tech so this is normal for us). I set it up in a spare ten gallon aquarium in the garage the next morning. The following day it was in our bedroom living comfortably in two inter-connected hamster cages with all manner of tubes, wheels and toys. She had ordered all of that stuff because it became HER hamster. But it’s SO MEAN. Sometimes I take care of the hamster too, forget where my hands are and immediately get the crap bitten out of me. IT DRAWS BLOOD! In spite of this, every night she feeds it fresh veggies...while wearing garden gloves...because if she didn’t, it would 100% maul her hand like a leopard too. Honestly, screw that hamster but the old lady is passionate for it and that makes me happy too.

 

[Mariette]

I rescued a lost hamster at work and took it home that night (fiancé is a registered vet tech so this is normal for us). I set it up in a spare ten gallon aquarium in the garage the next morning. The following day it was in our bedroom living comfortably in two inter-connected hamster cages with all manner of tubes, wheels and toys. She had ordered all of that stuff because it became HER hamster. But it’s SO MEAN. Sometimes I take care of the hamster too, forget where my hands are and immediately get the crap bitten out of me. IT DRAWS BLOOD! In spite of this, every night she feeds it fresh veggies...while wearing garden gloves...because if she didn’t, it would 100% maul her hand like a leopard too. Honestly, screw that hamster but the old lady is passionate for it and that makes me happy too.

What a sweet story. Awww. I rescued a baby mouse once knowing my husband doesn’t like rodents. He wouldn’t talk to me for 3 days! I fed this thing kitten formula every 3 hours for a Week! Even took it to work with me. Didn’t stop my husband from being ticked. Eventually, he stopped being angry and said he knows I just wanted to help it but I can’t save everything. Moral of the story: consult husband. I have his blessing on this tank upgrade so I’m happy :)

 

[ReefWithCare]

Honestly if budget is an issue I usually tell people to cut their dream tank size in half so they can built it correctly without roadblocks.

Also FYI - equipment price is nothing compared to live stock if you are going for a full blown reef [emoji28].

A good setup new will likely be around $40-45 a gallon for a mixed reef. I recently did a 40G breeder and sump build and was around $1200 without the RODI and rocks (as I already had those)

 

[Mariette]

Honestly if budget is an issue I usually tell people to cut their dream tank size in half so they can built it correctly without roadblocks.

Also FYI - equipment price is nothing compared to live stock if you are going for a full blown reef [emoji28].

A good setup new will likely be around $40-45 a gallon for a mixed reef. I recently did a 40G breeder and sump build and was around $1200 without the RODI and rocks (as I already had those)

The thing that draws me to the reef is that it’s a slow process that you can add to over time. I would start off with $100 worth of beginner mushrooms and leathers and go from there. Wherever our budget allows, or if we see something really cool, we add to the collection. I feel like there’s a pretty set number of fish you can get so once that’s done, you don’t get anything new unless you go the coral route. I would have never imagined it was possible without this wonderful forum.

Tank I saw at LFS was a 220 plus sump. We’re going w a 75-120 max. So, yeah. Half the one I wanted.

I really wanted an equipment room too but we can make due without one :)

 

[JoshH]

UPDATE. Spoke to husband. He had concerns.

Issue #1: we’ve never had a sump and he was worried it would flood. WHAT?!? I explained the whole run the tank w no return pump and fill sump to whatever level it can handle from the overflow and problem solved! As a bonus, he was impressed at how knowledgeable I was and that I’d done more research that he thought. WHAT?!?

Issue #2: he doesn’t want to give up the downstairs bathroom. Ok. Fair enough. We don’t have to take it that far.

Issue #3: he doesn’t want to have to reinforce the floor. Okay. Maybe I don’t need a tank I can fit in...

Issue #4: cost. But wait. I tell him we don’t need Powerheads or heaters (we have plenty of extras). Even our light is sufficient for now (we can put corals on hold and add them slowly once new tank is established and stable). We have lots of extra substrate too. We can even put the skimmer on hold for the time being or buy a used one. All we need to get started is a tank, a stand, more live rock, plumbing, and a sump w fuge. And then he hits me with this: HE’S BEEN LOOKING ON KIJIJI and asks if I’d be willing to settle for a used system. WHAT!!! Who is this man?!? I ask him why and he says “I dunno. You’ve been talking about it for a while and it makes you happy, so ... why not?” WE’RE UPGRADING!!!

Thank you all so much for the comments and advice.

EEEEEEE IM SO EXCITED!!! Stay tuned for my build tread :)

Congrats on the upgrade!!!!

#1 Flooding is a risk with any tank at any time. It's just part of the hobby and a risk we all take. Being in the basement you atleast limit the damage substantially.:)

#2 Do you think you could squeeze in a closet behind the tank for equipment or even a smallish sump? Tons of tanks don't have fish rooms and while nice to have, don't really need them:)

#3 On a concrete slab you can easily have 200+ Gallons without reinforcing anything atall:)

#4 Cost is relative. Mostly on how long you want to take putting it all together. Tank wise personally I wouldn't settle for too much less than you want. Thinking long term it's FAR better to splurge and get the tank stand you REALLY want. Or close to it anyway. This will give you the absolutely best long term setup for livestock options. If you at least sneak it into 150-180 territory your limits on livestock are pretty slim. Everything after that can be upgraded or added down the road as you save up:) Much easier to add things down the road like equipment including sumps but insanely difficult to replace a tank....

BTW I notice you're in Ontario, Miracles Aquaruims is an excellently priced custom tank manufacturer. They also make stock tanks for pretty good prices (they have a price list on there website to give you a general idea). You can add little things like upgrading certain panels to starfire and custom overflows as will as custom holes drilled to there stock tanks as well, TONS of options:)

 

[Captain Quint]

Female here. We both work full time and both pay the bills. We do not share a bank account and do not have to ask each other permission...if I want something that I can’t afford on my income alone then I ask if he will help me pay for it and he does, no arguing. My bills are paid and my daughter is well taken care of. We are not rich by any means, we both work very hard for what we have. I don’t get what I want when I want it...I have to put back and save sometimes. I’m coming up on 9 months of building my 90g tank. It works for us and I understand not everyone has the same type of relationship. Communication is key.

Honestly, I'm with you on this. I purchase as I wish and have full support on whatever I buy (even on a whim) from my wife and she does the same.

She ordered all new furniture for our bedroom but did ask if I liked it...it came yesterday and looks great.

@justmee, @SawCJack00, @Jomama, @Potatohead, and @scriptmonkey

All your your responses either implied, or outright suggested I use sex to get what I want. I must say, as a woman, I’m disappointed. I thought that , as a society, we’d come a long way from the sexist ego fueled hahahah jk. Not a political forum but couldn’t resist the jab at feminism. All very funny comments . Thank you

LOL...what is this foreign word...sex?

 

[Captain Quint]

I’d use the old “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission”, but this isn’t as simple as buying an expensive purse or something lol

Always been my motto...I never ask...she never asks...we get along just fine with no forgiveness even asked. :)

 

[Mariette]

We did it guys. Husband placed the order himself and is fully on board after seeing pictures of all the pretty fish we can get in the new tank.

BIG FAT THANK YOU TO ALL WHO COMMENTED AND ENCOURAGED ME TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!!! Wouldn’t have done it w out you.

https://www.reef2reef.com/threads/tank-made-possible-by-r2r.587436/