How to Wash a cat

Paul B

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How to Wash a Cat
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely yours,


The Dog
 

4FordFamily

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This reminds me of a time I was at Petco and apparently had the wrong audience for my "joke".

Preface:
I always fed Iams cat food to my cats. I upgraded my dogs to better food but not the cats. However, my cats live to 18 I think to spite me... I'm not a big cat fan. I keep them around mostly because of nostalgia I grew up with them. To me they're furniture that tears up the house, pees in the corner, and requires feeding and care.

So I am buying Iams cat food at Petco an a sweet young lady approached me and said "sir, I see that you have (I have omitted the brand so as not to start a conversation on the best pet foods) for your dogs, but regular Iams for your cats. You know, the higher protein levels, reduced filler, and better balanced nutrition of (other brand/s) would increase the lifespan of your cats"

I quickly replied, "ma'am, my cats historically live to about 18 years old, and spend their last years destroying my home...
What foods would you recommend that would decrease their lifespan?"

The look on her face was absolutely priceless she was flabbergasted, appalled, and gazed at me in horror. I received no response. Just silence and the look of satan as I walked to the checkout uncomfortably.

My wife says that I am banned from pet stores because I always make people question my sanity and scare them.

FYI she later guilt tripped me in to buying them the same brand of food as the dogs.

A year ago I was buying crickets for my terrarium inhabitants with my 10 month old daughter in my arm in the checkout lane. I heard from behind me "crickets, eww, what are you feeding those to?" from a mother in her late 30s. "My daughter", I replied, with a straight face and I gave her an affectionate kiss on the forehead. Before I could laugh and indicate that it was in pun (I mean it should have been obvious I would think, also), I got that very same face and she did not speak to me any further.

:shrug:
 
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4FordFamily

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3FordFamily, I read this last night and I still can't stop laughing about what you posted!

Lol my wife says I think I am funnier than I am. I always think I am lightening these people's days but apparently don't have the social intelligence to realize that:

1) not everyone is a terrible person with a bad sense of humor like myself

2) you need to have the right audience..

My wife also hated going out to eat with me when I was over 300lbs. When the waitress/waiters asked us "how are you this evening?" I promptly responded with "pretty obese, how about yourself?".

I'm now 180-190 depending on how close to Christmas cookie season we are.

I like breaking people's patterns and disrupting their expected responses but my overweight waitresses and waiters did not generally find it funny (again, know your audience).Others laughed, others yet got so uncomfortable that it was awkward.

My wife is a saint..
 
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4FordFamily

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I appreciate that kind of humor. I tend to do the same sort of things, but I usually say it with a smile to give people a chance to think I'm joking.

Yeah that's probably best practice. You may also run the risk in that case of them just thinking you're sadistic :D
 

4FordFamily

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I think the only other relevant humor I can loosely apply to this thread is this:

"If you want to find out who your best friend is, your wife or your dog, lock them both up in your trunk for a few days and see who is happy to see you when you pop the trunk"
 

Thunt4jr

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Lol my wife says I think I am funnier than I am. I always think I am lightening these people's days but apparently don't have the social intelligence to realize that:

1) not everyone is a terrible person with a bad sense of humor like myself

2) you need to have the right audience..

My wife also hated going out to eat with me when I was over 300lbs. When the waitress/waiters asked us "how are you this evening?" I promptly responded with "pretty obese, how about yourself?".

I'm now 180-190 depending on how close to Christmas cookie season we are.

I like breaking people's patterns and disrupting their expected responses but my overweight waitresses and waiters did not generally find it funny (again, know your audience).Others laughed, others yet got so uncomfortable that it was awkward.

My wife is a saint..

My wife doesn't like to eat out with me much. I always causes trouble with the waitress as well!

The waitress would say "I'll be your waitress this evening" and I would say "Good I'll take advantage of that!" The looks on their face are priceless!

I always order half and half tea and tell them I want unsweet on the bottom and sweet on the top. If you get it wrong, then you lose your tip with a serious face. A lot of time you can see that they get scared!

We had a group at a mexican place one time and it was a good amount of people at our table. The waitress asked each one of us if we want a box. When she asked me, which I had nothing in front of me but my tea. I told her sure, I would like a box for my tea! She walked away with a weird look on her face and we all busted up laughing. 5 minutes later, she came back and asked me, did you asked for a box for your tea?

There is a place down the road from me that likes to insult their customers for fun. So I go there to insult them. My wife hates that, so I go for lunch without her! :)
 

Thunt4jr

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I think the only other relevant humor I can loosely apply to this thread is this:

"If you want to find out who your best friend is, your wife or your dog, lock them both up in your trunk for a few days and see who is happy to see you when you pop the trunk"

I had that picture posted on my Facebook page and my wife went nut on it! I told her if you're not happy when I open the trunk then I'll close it back up!
 
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