How to know if you want kids

[joe0813]

This one is going to pretty good.... Little background... im 34 with one daughter that I had at a very young 20 years old. It was a very negative experience and a very brutal time because of issues with my girlfriend at the time. I have been with my now wife who is 33yrs old for going on 7 years now. Ive always said I didn't want anymore kids and was all done and she's been understanding up until recently. Baby fever for his is coming on pretty strong, she wants to be a mother more than anything. So here's the issue I am so torn whether I want to have a family that we are actually a family or just stay just us two and the two dogs.
Being a firefighter I dont make a ton of money, actually I struggle to pay my bills. She's an ER nurse and does make decent money, so there's also the fear of not being financially comfortable. I enjoy just having my time to myself, days off getting up whenever I feel like it, saying screw it and going on a cruise or spending the day riding my dirt bike or street bike. But then there's the other side of me that wants a family, to be a parent to a child that actually has a married not hating each other mom and dad, teach them how to ride motorcycles and play sports and all that fun stuff. Go away as a family.
Thats my dilemma, obviously I wont be making my decision based off of this and its something me and her will have to really think about. Just wanted to hear some of you guys stories and what made you decide, kids or no kids

 

[Sqwertyl]

It is a tough decision but I was in the opposite position marrying my wife who had a daughter and I wanted a child of my own. It's truly the greatest feeling ever to have your own child brought into the world, which I'm sure you know, and that's what your wife wants to experience. I love my stepdaughter dearly but there's just a different connection between biological and step.

I am a correctional officer, and probably make comparable wages to you, at least here in Florida they're competitive, and my wife is a respiratory therapist. I wouldn't say we're rich or well off, but we're not doing bad, and you can't trade the joy of children or put a monetary value on it.

As for free time, it was really only the first year that's troublesome for us, working 12-16hr shifts and whatnot. My daughter is now 2 and if we have something we want to do (I spend my free time in the gym or the tank) the other takes over, even my 6 year old makes her breakfast and helps her get dressed. These are all things you can work out down the road.

Not trying to push you in one way or the other, but you're 34, you have a lot more life to live to do hobbies and maybe even have another sidekick to do them with.

 

[Jekyl]

I waited until my late 20s until I decided to have a kid. My son Cameron is now 9 years old. Life is always a struggle. I went from being financially stable to wondering how I'm going to make it. Horrible times where I didn't know how I was going to keep going. However he always pulled me through. Regardless of what happened he was always going to be there. Sure things have been bad just as they have been good. However I would never give him back. This year for my birthday his mom took him shopping for me. He picked out a Champion brand hoodie for me. Because it said champion on the front and that's what I am..... it may be the best thing that anyone ever did for me.

 

[joe0813]

I waited until my late 20s until I decided to have a kid. My son Cameron is now 9 years old. Life is always a struggle. I went from being financially stable to wondering how I'm going to make it. Horrible times where I didn't know how I was going to keep going. However he always pulled me through. Regardless of what happened he was always going to be there. Sure things have been bad just as they have been good. However I would never give him back. This year for my birthday his mom took him shopping for me. He picked out a Champion brand hoodie for me. Because it said champion on the front and that's what I am..... it may be the best thing that anyone ever did for me.

thats an awesome bday present

 

[William Morris]

We raised 5 kids thru all the struggles that usually happen with life.
The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is grandchildren.
I adore my grandkids and am blessed to have 3 of them 5 mins away from us.
They have been the greatest blessing of my life and have taught me more about love and innocence than you can imagine.

 

[joe0813]

I take those stupid online about this and always end up with the same answer from all of them.... "based on your answers youre very confused and torn whether to have kids or not." well ya thats why I took it

 

[Kershaw]

If you don’t want kids and she does one of you may end up resenting the other. This is one of those things I don’t think there is a compromise on.
resentment is one of those big things that seems small but slowly destroys relationships.
Good luck on this one. Thank you for your service.

 

[joe0813]

If you don’t want kids and she does one of you may end up resenting the other. This is one of those things I don’t think there is a compromise on.
resentment is one of those big things that seems small but slowly destroys relationships.
Good luck on this one. Thank you for your service.

I don't know whether its I don't want kids or fear from the past when I was only 20 and got the "im pregnant, im keeping it and I dont care about your feels either way" phone call

 

[Kershaw]

I don't know whether its I don't want kids or fear from the past when I was only 20 and got the "im pregnant, im keeping it and I dont care about your feels either way" phone call

My wife and I were not planning on kids. That plan changed due to negligence. I was making 14$ and hour in CA. that was 9 years ago. Some hard times here and there but if you and your girl are planning it you should be in good shape to handle it. There is also a big change from 20-34 years old.

 

[fish farmer]

I didn't want kids, no desire, never really liked little kids when I was a teenager/young adult, maybe if they were 9 or 10. I was a camp counselor for that age, but never saw myself with kids. I'm too independent and need to take care of myself first. My wife is the same. She was in a previous marriage and her husband wanted to have kids, but she knew she was going to be taking care of them.

I won't get into the money, etc. thing, but I'll tell you this if I had happen to have kids a few years ago, the reef tanks would be the first thing to go.

 

[joe0813]

I didn't want kids, no desire, never really liked little kids when I was a teenager/young adult, maybe if they were 9 or 10. I was a camp counselor for that age, but never saw myself with kids. I'm too independent and need to take care of myself first. My wife is the same. She was in a previous marriage and her husband wanted to have kids, but she knew she was going to be taking care of them.

I won't get into the money, etc. thing, but I'll tell you this if I had happen to have kids a few years ago, the reef tanks would be the first thing to go.

Good to see a comment going the other way.

 

[Daniel92481]

I think this song says it all...



Best of luck whatever y’all decide. Kids are a blessing! In disguise, of course.

 

[fish farmer]

Good to see a comment going the other way.

I thought of another life moment which made me say no.

During my college years my aunt was having kids, first one, then three more with the second guy who she married. She was the stay at home mom, home schooled, dad made the money. They lived with her dad in his house which had also been a family house, she had three brothers and a sister so I could understand the drive to have a family.

The kids were all about two to three years apart in age. It was crazy during the holidays when they were young. When they were a little older my parents and I would have vacations with them, try getting a restaurant table for a party of ten if you didn't call ahead. Vacations were stressful with them, but there were nice times when you only had to deal with the dynamic of one or two.

 

[Hydrored]

If you don’t want kids and she does one of you may end up resenting the other. This is one of those things I don’t think there is a compromise on.
resentment is one of those big things that seems small but slowly destroys relationships.
Good luck on this one. Thank you for your service.

I couldn’t agree more with this, my first wife she always knew I didn’t want kids and when that changed there was always resentment. My second wife and I have been together now happily for 9 years, and I started the relationship with the same statement of not wanting children. Difference is we talked about it in detail and we were clear on expectations/goals, and discussed it again prior to marriage.

Ultimately if we were to have children it would not be fair to them, they would be raised by a nanny due to my wife and I’s travel/work schedule. We are selfish enough to admit that we are not willing to change our careers and goals to have a child.

My suggestion is to talk to her not as your wife, but your best friend and weigh out the pros and cons for each of you and how it will impact your life.

 

[Stang67]

ok so my 2c. Female here btw. Its ironic bc when I met my partner he had a son that was 8. He did not get on well at all with the mom or her family. It was a real struggle for him esp with the $ of child support. I never wanted kids and he knew that going in. I didn't mind his son but it enforced the fact that I REALLY never wanted kids. I also am against marriage, he knew that at well. Its been 17 years together now. He hasn't talked to his son in over 5 yrs. We never had kids and we never got married. We live in separate homes as well. But what we have works for us. I don't regret not having kids tbh. I am selfish with my time and money and want to spend both as I see fit. Now in this day and age I am so thankful I didn't have kids as well too many things out there besides the Boogey man. The only thing that concerns me is that I won't have anyone to "take care of me" when I get older. But you make accommodations for that. We often say when we have an unexpected vet bill for our "kids" that at least its not College tuition, a new IPhone, braces, etc etc.
Sit down with your wife if you haven't already and make up a list of why you do and don't want children, both of you. You have to come to an agreement together one way or the other or, like someone else mentioned, there will be resentment. TALK IT OUT. And whatever you decide know that you made the right decision for each other together.

 

[lynn.reef.nerd]

ok so my 2c. Female here btw. Its ironic bc when I met my partner he had a son that was 8. He did not get on well at all with the mom or her family. It was a real struggle for him esp with the $ of child support. I never wanted kids and he knew that going in. I didn't mind his son but it enforced the fact that I REALLY never wanted kids. I also am against marriage, he knew that at well. Its been 17 years together now. He hasn't talked to his son in over 5 yrs. We never had kids and we never got married. We live in separate homes as well. But what we have works for us. I don't regret not having kids tbh. I am selfish with my time and money and want to spend both as I see fit. Now in this day and age I am so thankful I didn't have kids as well too many things out there besides the Boogey man. The only thing that concerns me is that I won't have anyone to "take care of me" when I get older. But you make accommodations for that. We often say when we have an unexpected vet bill for our "kids" that at least its not College tuition, a new IPhone, braces, etc etc.
Sit down with your wife if you haven't already and make up a list of why you do and don't want children, both of you. You have to come to an agreement together one way or the other or, like someone else mentioned, there will be resentment. TALK IT OUT. And whatever you decide know that you made the right decision for each other together.

Good for you! I wouldn't consider it as being selfish. Rather you know yourself versus having a child that you don't want (I think that is more selfish).

Even if you are financially wealthy, have a child when you are ready and fully devote yourself to the child.

For me and my husband, we also prefer the four-legged kind.

 

[X-37B]

Very hard subject as only you can decide whats right for you.
I will say no matter what it changes your life.
So with that said I will give my perspective for what its worth.
In my 20's I partied hard but also worked hard.
I realy wanted a family but never found the right woman.
At 31 I found that one, or so I thought.
Stopped partying and got straight for 3 years. We lived together for 2 and it was great. We talked about kids and after two years got married.
I got a dream job within 6 months after we got married. This was in the 80's
I worked for a chemical company and had to travel up and down the west coast and Canada. Six moths later she left.
We got a divorce and I through my self into the job.
I was on a plane every other week for almost 7 years.
Great job six figure salary, company car,
great 401k, but no personel time.
I did manage to keep a 100 gallon reef tank going in the 90's even with not being home for a week at a time.
Everything was automated because of my work related experience.
I always wanted a family but could not see one in the future if I kept this job.
So one day I gave my two week and quit.
I took one year off and was running 5 miles a day with my dog and was very happy.
After a year I went to work in the auto industry which none of my former work friends could believe.
I met the mother of my only child when I was 42 and she was born when I was 43.
My wife was the same age as me.
We moved to northern Ca when my daughter was 6 months old.
She was 7 months old on 911.
I was so ticked of when it happened I would have joined the Army if I did not have a kid. Even at my age I was working out and still running 5 miles a day.
Looking back she probably save my life.

I know a long story and its almost over!
We divorced when my daughter was 18 months old.
Judge gave my wife 80% custody but I ended up with her 90% of the time which in the end was a blessing from above.
From 18 months to 6 years old I had my daughter all the time.
I did not have time for much other than hunting and fishing a few times when she was with her mom.
I was into street bikes my whole life so I got on the bike as often as I could for therapy, lol.

She is 20 now. Where did the time go.
I would not change a thing. I got lucky as she was a very simple child to raise from what other people had told me.
I was a good father raising her as she has told me and it makes me feel good and very proud.
The moral to this story is a child will change your life in many ways.
You may not be able to do many of the things you do now but you will find the time.
When you do those things you will cherish them more than you can comprehend right now.
I took my daughter fishing and hunting with me from the time she was 6 years old.

So its a big step in life but one I am glad that I was able to experience and would not change for anything.

I wish you the best.

 

[Frogspon]

As the saying goes.... "Pets are the new children. Plants are the new pets."

If you can afford to have a kid you're pretty lucky. To a lot of people 35 and younger, it's not even in their mindset because it's such an abstract idea considering they can't even save enough to get into a starter home.

 

[Kal93]

Why does she suddenly have baby fever? And how much experience has she had with childcare? As a woman, I have had a few friends go through this baby fever and it was due to either 1) always wanting children and getting to the age where fertility decreases, 2) fear of regret, or 3) seeing cute nephews/nieces. The last 2 (IMO) are not reasons to have a child.

I can't speak about how a child will change your life (my husband and I have decided to not have kids), but share with you how I made my decision. I assessed my desire to have children (indifferent), preparedness (i.e. no-low child experience), available time (I work 40-65 hours/wk), willingness to put my career on hold (not), desire for free time/moving freedom (high), and financial status/priorities. I'd be a much better aunt than mother.

Once you determine how you feel, you two should sit down to discuss finances, child care, alternatives (big brother/uncle), etc. A child isn't a compromise--you two should both be fully onboard and prepared.

 

[Ed olson]

Kids will definitely test the limits of your mind, money, and patience regardless of how much of those three things you think you have.