Started my day with compassion

tricky_tran

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Ok so a lot of you may have read yesterday’s post and it was more like blowing off steam and the love n support I received from my fellow reefers was the one thing that made me smile while spend 18+hrs on a emergency call
Well today started off great so far,, I went to local gas station to get gas and noticed that the old guy pumping my gas was shivering very hard,, I go pretty chilly n windy today huh buddy,, he says heck yeah it is , my zipper broke on my hoodie jacket plus it’s still damp from the rain yesterday, and even worse is my spare one I left here is missing
Without even thinking twice ,, I took off my insulated hoodie and gave it to him,, almost Immediately he started to tear up n goes I can’t take your hoodie then you’ll be cold all day,, I go no worries brother I just live 2 minutes away I’ll just go get another one,, he actually wept n gave me a hug while thanking me over and over again I just said it cool God Bless you,, then I drove away
My mother made it her mission to make sure I had empathy and compassion and respect,, if you have those 3 traits your life will have meaning
God bless r2r have great day

You are awesome @Paulie069 I did this for a guy on the train to work one time! Lucky I had a spare hoodie in my office.
 
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Paulie069

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dang all sudden I’m getting sleepy time for 5hr energy drink and two 24oz coffees slam down ready for night shift ,, I’ll be here till 8-10 in the morning and then go to my regular scheduled job site so I’ll be doing from 4.30 am this morning till 4-5 pm tomorrow night about 36-38 hrs straight wooo hoo
 

tricky_tran

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Before Covid, as you read in my previous reply, I would take the metro rail to work.. from Los Angeles to Santa Monica and back.. Round trip from station to station is maybe 1hour 15 mins. 3 different trains. about a year ago, on the way home, there was a girl sitting on the floor in the bicycle section crying. everyone was just standing there staring at her. i normally carry napkins in my pocket/backpack. so i handed her some and tried to console her. just recently, i was talking to my boss, apparently he was on the train, witnessed this and reminded me of the situation.
 
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Paulie069

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So now I’ve met my future wife but didn’t know it then. I was still pretty much wide open and partying doing every drug I could get my hands on (never saw heroine ever in person to this day) was afraid I’d like it. So anyway we start dating because she realized I’m a hottie (lol) but seriously she saw the scared little boy under the the tough shut off exterior I had put out there. We got married a year later. I’ve already told you all about Vegas and Elvis. So here I am 26 and Married I was in a world I didn’t know and actually scared of it. It’s funny because nobody gave us 6 months to last and here we are 26yrs later and I still love her as much as I did back then. She saved my life from a miserable ending.
So you would think all is well now,, couldn’t be further from the truth. Three yrs into our marriagemy wife got pregnant (thanks to grey goose and tequila) and I was stoked and scared at same time. I always wondered if I was gonna be like my piece of crap father, and the thought of my child hating me the way I hate my father chilled my insides ,, so6-7 months in to her pregnancy she went for routine checkup and the doctor took on look and put her in the hospital
The problem was my wife had a weak cervex ( think I broke it wink wink) anyway it couldn’t hold the weight of the baby and water bag and the baby started coming out ,, he was sooo tiny 15 inches 11 oz that’s it The doctors said they can put him in NICU UNIT but the chances were very high he would be extremely handicapped physically and mentally, my wife was so upset she didn’t even wanna see or hold my son so I took him into another room and spent 7hrs holding him to my chest tightly and telling him that his mom is a catholic teacher and dad is a professional wrestler, also told him big boobs were better than little ones ,, the nurses gave me a dirty look and I said hey he’s a guy he needs to know. Lol. Well hour later he was ice cold and gone
I wanted a son my whole life but he was taken away from me and there was nothing I could do to save him I’ve never felt so helpless and worthless at the same time as I held him while he died and there was nothing I could do to help him absolutely powerless. This made my relationship with God even worse. Was so angry that he stripped me of my son. Don’t get me wrong I love both my daughters very very much and couldn’t imagine life without them. Buy I think every guy wants a son to raise like a man
I can see this scene over and over again in my head like it was yesterday.
It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt, not even all those beatings came close to the mental anguish I had and still have to this day All this happened 23yrs ago and I see it in my head clearly
By far the most painful time in my life plus made my relationship with God even worse and I fell into a drug coma trying to kill the pain
There’s more but I gotta stop because this was hard to share I never talk about the darkest day of my life. Thanks again for letting me babble on
Much love R2R
 

Mastiffsrule

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Porkies was the best movie of all time,, shower scene when bulla ball breaker grabs guys junk coming thru hole in girls shower,, laughing just thinking about it

Hi, my friend.

I threw you a frown face for pictures while driving :mad:. Luv ya, be safe man. Don’t text or vid n‘ drive. Insurance adjuster in me. The frowny face also covers @Paul B and clam dinner. So jealous of that meal. I miss the jersey and philly food. NC food blows. Linguine and white clam. Picatta, and Fra Diavolo sauce are unknown here. Forget good gravy or marinara.


Keep being you bro. Peace....
 
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Paulie069

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Hi, my friend.

I threw you a frown face for pictures while driving :mad:. Luv ya, be safe man. Don’t text or vid n‘ drive. Insurance adjuster in me. The frowny face also covers @Paul B and clam dinner. So jealous of that meal. I miss the jersey and philly food. NC food blows. Linguine and white clam. Picatta, and Fra Diavolo sauce are unknown here. Forget good gravy or marinara.


Keep being you bro. Peace....
I wasn’t driving I walked across the street and took picture of my setup for office email records
 
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Paulie069

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So I heard a song and it’s lyrics just rang in my head. Now remember I didn’t write the song it just hit me and I gelled with it
I MIGHT DIE TONIGHT,BUT IF I DO IT WILL BE OK
AND IF I DIE TONIGHT, AT LEAST I STOOD BY THE THINGS I SAID
I GIT 2 GRAVES DUG, ONE FOR ME AND ONE FOR THE MFR STANDING IN MY WAY
Man it just pumped me for some reason,,, Don’t wanna read into it but maybe I’m so ok with myself I’m just not afraid to die and meet God only then will I accept anyone judging me

Much love R2R
 
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Paulie069

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So I left off with my son dying in my arms. You would think it ends there but it does not,, so my wife was a wreck after our loss and I was really worried, but months later she got pregnant again and it was tough. Since she had a weak cervix the lady doctor went all up in there and sewed it shut (blocking’s any further access or entry) bad for me uggh. Then put her on 23.5 -7 bed rest, she was only allowed 3 bathroom trips a day , so make em count, showers only 2x a week and no longer than 3 minutes per shower ,, rest of her time was bed rest( so glad she didn’t get fat) I did everything in the house you could think of cleaning cooking food shopping paying bills etc etc , plus I was just starting my wrestling career. Uggh rough times , but mostly a blur since I threw myself into a 24-7 drug coma and was basically a functioning zombie. When my daughter was born she was a little early but very healthy and was allowed to come home with us right away( not my second kid) I’ll get to that. My wife was worried about our pitbull and how it would react to a new baby all I did was bring my daughter in through the front door I placed her on the floor in the living room and my dog came over sniffed her a bunch gave her a big lick and then laid down almost on top of her and was very very protective it made my wife extremely happy and gave her peace of mind
So now I was free from my duties at home I’ve been Mr. belvedere for too long and then I was off to the races W all kinds of things I should not have been doing as a new father as I look back at it I’m almost ashamed of myself for some of the things I’ve done but in retrospect it made me who I am today I’m gonna stop here and N continue with the birth of my second daughter
 
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Paulie069

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Ok so now 5 years later my wife gets pregnant again ( we were very happy) and my wrestling career was taking off and I was on tv for ECW, during these times I’m traveling all over the United States most of the time, all along just partying and doing lots of painkillers and cocaine plus steroids etc etc ,, then my wife informs me that she has to do the stitch again. OMG I thought what the heck,, so I have to take a four n half months off to be me. Belvedere again but this time with a 4yr old My life was about to start changing and I didn’t know it. Well my second daughter was still born to early (3 months) she was frail but this time we opted to do the incubator in the NICU unit. My little baby was so tiny n frail and almost died twice but god gave us a break and gave her back. We didn’t even get to hold or touch her for first two months. Again I was angry at God for doing this to me as if I hadn’t suffered enough in my life, I mean how much crap can one person take before wanting to hang himself. Rebecca spent 3.5 months in the hospital before we could finally take her home. The hospital bill came to 1.3 million dollars, all we paid was a 10 dollar co pay and wife’s insurance covered everything from the first doctor visit
My wife is a catholic school teacher and has the best insurance thru the church , thank god or I’d still be paying for my kid. I call her my million dollar miracle
So that’s the story of my children coming into my life and it had an effect on how I thought all sudden I wasn’t angry as much as usual
But I still was a crappy husband which I’m ashamed of today but dang I had fun more than a guy should have in a lifetime
More to come and it gets much better finally and it only took me into my mid forty’s to have a clue
Much love R2R ( is anyone following my babbling story
 

tricky_tran

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takes a very strong person to share their story with the world. you have been through a lot and i cannot fathom what you and your wife have gone through. i can sense the pain and heartache in your words. They say, time will heal, but there will always be those "what if's" in the back of your mind. I think the only thing one can do is learn acceptance. everyone grieves differently and at a different pace. there is no right or wrong way to grieve. keeping a journal (kind of like this online one) or venting or just having someone to listen certainly can help. god bless my friend. PM me if you ever need to talk.
 

tricky_tran

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Paulie069

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takes a very strong person to share their story with the world. you have been through a lot and i cannot fathom what you and your wife have gone through. i can sense the pain and heartache in your words. They say, time will heal, but there will always be those "what if's" in the back of your mind. I think the only thing one can do is learn acceptance. everyone grieves differently and at a different pace. there is no right or wrong way to grieve. keeping a journal (kind of like this online one) or venting or just having someone to listen certainly can help. god bless my friend. PM me if you ever need to talk.
Thank you much love and respect
 

Mastiffsrule

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Checking in, been crazy here but keeping an eye out. :p

You said it gets better. Give us one of those great feel good stories I know you got @Paulie069 that is making you so awesome today.
 
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