So I wanna backtrack a little and tell you about my mother,, I loved her so much she was my rock,, probably because she protected me from a bunch of beatings by laying across me while my father was whipping me ( was only way to make him stop) and no matter how much trouble I got in school she loved me even harder Mom was only person to make me feel safe and loved. She had awesome sense of humor and I’m sure is the one that put the love of the ocean in me, boy she loved to swim and bodysurf for hours with me,, those were great times I miss her so much, and to this day there are times that I want my mommy. I know goofy right,, but they way my mother suffers before she died really made me turn my back on God. I thought how can a God that is supposed to be mighty and good let my mother suffer the way she did.
First came the kidney disease along with dialysis 3-4x a week 5hrs a day,, then the heart problem with clogging arterys she had 11 stints out in over course of 2-3yrs,, then had a stroke that paralyzed the whole left side of her body, she wound up in a wheelchair after that. She still had to do dialysis and after each session she had to get weighed, one day she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t wanna do the scale but they kinda forced her and she fell and broke the leg that was paralyzed. When they put a cast on it they didn’t notice a cut on her calf,, anyway it got gangrene and they had to amputate from above knee,, three months later her paralyzed arm got the same thing and she had that amputated above elbow. Then they figure out that she has diabetes 2 ,, it got a little much for my stepfather to handle ( what a great man he is) I’ll talk about him later. So she’s in a full time nursing home just as sick as you can be and half her body is cut off,, but she still kept her humor the whole time laughing and joking around with me still. In one visit ( I went 2x a day) she told me the doctors wanted to actually amputate her other leg. I just blanked out and said to her “ mom are you nuts or something, what are you gonna do let em hack you apart until Your a head in a bed” then asked her what are you holding on for,, all yours children are married and on their own and doing fine. You did your job and it’s ok to stop fighting and being miserable,, it’s ok to go we’re all doing good
Well that day she stopped all treatment and died in pain a week later, I was standing right next to her when she took her last breath and screamed out “ Jesus make the pain go away then one more little sigh and she was gone
I blamed myself for her dying it was like I gave her permission to die and carried that for 10 yrs before my therapist made me realize it wasn’t my fault. But I still remained so angry at God for making her suffer the way she did , she was a god loving good person that did nothing but good and he took that away from me. She was only 56 when she died
Next I’ll tell you about my Stepfather (who is still a part of my life) and my 2 Brothers one of Whitehall blew his head off 2 years ago
