@Bryce M. let me share a short version of recent.
Many of us including myself have lost grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews, brothers, sisters, friends and brothers and sisters we served within the military. I've lost all I just listed. My only living sibling is my younger sister who has PLS which is in the same family as ALS and she declines daily.
I have...well had 4 children. (I still speak in the present and claim 4) My oldest son was born 12-27-85 and died 10-26-17 from a long drawn out battle with alcohol. It dragged out for several years and one morning he was yellow from head to toe.
Airlifted to UNC Hospital in Chapel Hill. It took several weeks of suffering and we (his younger sister of 25, his younger brother of 28 his momma and I were with him during his final hours) His youngest sister is 8 and I would not allow her to be there. (yes, I have an 8-year-old at my age)
I said all this to say that I lost sight 10-26-18 at 10:01 PM and was very angry with God up until about maybe 5 months ago. Without
His presence and guidance, I went into the abyss and it sounds like you are fighting not to go there which is good but we all need help from time to time. Mine came from family, friends, children, and God. AND as corny as this may sound
R2R with the wonderful folks here have also lifted my spirits back.
Sure there are still tough times, but we can make it with help. ***I offer to be here for conversation and prayer.
This is one of the ways I see my son. He always had a smile on his face, he put charities on for Autism and won a slogan contest for Brain Cancer For Children. He was poor as could be but gave all he had. Here is my struggling artist of a son. :)