We eat all of our meals on our outside deck in the summer and this time of the year we get a lot of wasps. I have this Zapper thing that looks like a tennis racket and it made me think of this wasp story that I posted a few years ago but it is a true story.
Ok usually bees, wasps, snakes, scorpions, or Paris Hilton don't bother me but today I went upstairs in my house, a place where no one lives but there is an apartment there. I go up there occasionally to clean or fix the exhaust fan.
Before I went up we learned that our phone, which is attached to the wall, doesn't work. It rings but you can't talk.
Anyway, I see this dead wasp on the floor so I get the vacuum to pick it up, then I see another, then another and so on. So I look around and on the wall air conditioner I see part of a wasp hive that looked old and dead.
Wrong.
I take the vacuum and suck up what I thought was a very small hive.
Wrong.
2,863 wasps come flying out and they were not happy, Most of them had a scowl on their face, if looks could kill?
Some of them were so big that they had to stay in the hive because their antlers wouldn't fit through the gate. Yes, this hive was so big, it had a gate.
So I stick the vacuum on the hole in the wall (which was really a gap in the Air conditioner side panel)
And I am sucking up wasps.
No problem.
Wrong.
The 2,863 wasps that had already come out are stinging me.
They got me good and those suckers really hurt, especially like now, 30 minutes later. My elbow is swelled up. I wouldn't mind if they stung me in my biceps, then at least I would look like I had muscles.
So as I am getting stung and holding the vacuum on the hole, sucking up wasps, I take out my cell phone to call my wife downstairs.
Yep, the phone don't work. So I am screaming but she has the AC on and I have the vacuum on. I didn't want to put the vacuum down, but I was getting stung and I think these were the friendly wasps, the nasty ones, the tatooed ones with the leather jackets on were stuck in the hose of the vacuum, that antler thing again.
So finally my wife hears me and of course she takes her time coming upstairs, then screams. I looked like one of those guys that win contests for having bees all over them. So I drop the vacuum, still sucking and we run outside.
I found a can of that bug bomb stuff that you set in the room and leave. The stuff was over 33 years old because I bought it when I bought my house but never used it.
So I push the button and throw it in. It is supposed to emit a mist, but i guess it is no good after 33 years so it just sputtered. I wonder what that did to the carpet?
Anyway, a few minutes later I go up and find many of the little suckers are writhing on the floor but you could still faintly hear, "We will get you"
"We know where you live" But it was very weak and I am sure it was an idol threat.
So I made a larger hole in the wall and after soaking the insulation with wasp killer I sucked out the remaining dead wasps. Before I opened the vacuum, I sprayed wasp killer into it just to make sure. Then I dumped out the bag which was filled with hundreds of dead and dying wasps.
So now I have no more wasps, just a big hole in the wall and a house that smells like Napalm
OK, I thought this was over. Today I go upstairs to patch that hole in the wall. So I bring my big shop vac, a ladder, wasp spray (just to be sure) some calking for the outside, some tools and plaster. So I remove the wasp spray soaked paper towels that I had stuffed in the hole to keep any new creatures from coming in and at the same time I am holding the shop vac hose up to the hole so I can catch any loose plaster.
This is not one of those Sissy shop vacs that is good for picking up belly button lint, this one will suck the brains out of your head through your nose from across the street.
So I take out the paper and I couldn't believe it, there seemed to be more wasps than there was two days ago when I killed hundreds of them.
They were wading through the puddle of wasp spray like it was "Glade air freshener".
No really, you can't make this stuff up. But this time I was prepared, this vacuum was sucking them out from 6" away. They didn't know what was happening. The only problem was that the hole to the outside was still open and as soon as I sucked them in, more came in from outside. So I was alternating spraying wasp spray and sucking at the same time, spray, suck, spray, suck etc.
I also found out what that means on the side of the wasp spray can where it says Kills on Contact" I thought that meant, it kills the wasps when it contacts them, but I think it really means that it kills the wasps after the wasp contacts you. They don't really die that fast, Dying the next day is not exactly the time frame I had in mind.
So I finally eliminate most of the creatures and I make the hole in the wall larger so I have good sheetrock to patch. I kept cutting bigger and bigger because I found their hive. They didn't just have a hive in my wall, they were turning my house into a hive. This thing was huge and it was filled with babies. So I kept sucking them out until I got to good insulation. I wonder what they did with all the insulation that used to be in the wall?
Then I stuck in new insulation that I also soaked with wasp spray
(although I think they were using it for cologne) and I calked the outside.
I had to hold the vacuum with me outside because they kept coming back trying to get back into the nest from outside.
So I am done, at least I thought so and I start to go downstairs but I figure let me go and check on my tomato plants on the upstairs deck which is off the bedroom on the opposite side of the house from the wasps.
On the way out I notice that the wall next to that air conditioner is wet. Great. I don't go up there much and everytime I go, it is a surprise. So I go outside to see where the hole is that is letting the water in and guess what I find?
Yep, wasps. I mean, are they freekin kidding me. This time they are "in" the air conditioner that has not been turned on in over 3 years.
Luckily for me, I have the wasp spray in my hand because I was bringing it downstairs. So I spray the coil in the AC and it happened. I got flashbacks from the other day. Wasps are all around me and I think they heard what happened to their cousins and I didn't have the vacuum in my hand so I had to run. A few minutes later I put on my sneakers so they wouldn't hear me and I snuck out armed with more wasp spray, the kind they sell to Sissies because it shoots like 2 football fields away. My deck isn't that big so I was fairly close and like I said this stuff kills on contact, after they contact me so i had to bob and weave but I didn't get stung.
They were mad before but now they just wanted revenge.
I ran inside and quickly shut the screen door. They were crashing into the screen making a horrible noise so I closed the glass door, they wer still coming, smashing their heads into the glass, wasp brains splattering everywhere, then I turned on the air conditioner and as soon as I did, I could hear "Ping, ping, bing ding" Yes they were flying into the fan and getting thrown all over the inside of the AC unit. There were wings, abdomins, tiny chains, little broken bottles, flying all over the place, these guys were preparing for war.
But they didn't know who they were dealing with. This reefer Geezer now has wasp experience.
The next time I go up there I will probably find snakes, but I do have to go again to remove the wet sheetrock and calk the AC
